Haunting Shadows (Book 2)

Chapter 51

Chapter 51

I had slipped away from the commotion right after Andreas disappeared. Seeing him so vulnerable at the mere memory of his brother tugged at something inside me and I was desperate to see if he was okay. The only place I could think to look was in his study.

When I got there, I noticed that the lock was unhinged, like someone had recently forced their way inside. Curious, I pushed the door open and went inside. I stifled a gasp as I took in the ruined surroundings. Had Andreas done this last night? Was this why he looked so battered and bruised when I saw him in the kitchen? My gaze traveled around the room but Andreas was nowhere in sight.

I noticed a spot on the floor that was much darker than the rest, almost red still. Without giving it much thought, I walked over to it and knelt down. My fingers traced the area as the memory burned richly in my throat. This was where I had almost lo—where he had almost died. I shook myself out of the daze and walked out of the room again.

If he wasn’t in his study, where would he be? I crossed his own room from my list, not that I was even sure where it was. I bet if I asked Leita she’d be able to tell me. An unwelcome surge of jealousy boiled in my blood and I fought to quell it. I refused to allow myself to be envious of that woman and the relationship she had with Andreas. Getting my thoughts back in order, I started walking down the hall.

Andreas’ study was on the third floor of the house, and my room on the second. The house had four floors in total, and I had only been on the fourth floor once before, when Andreas had been showing me the tour of the place. There were only a couple of rooms up there, one of them I guessed to be his but couldn’t be sure. I made my way to the stairs again, getting an idea of where he might’ve gone.

There were five rooms on the fourth floor; it wouldn’t take that long to check each one of them until I found the one he was in. I knocked on each door before pushing it open, just so I wouldn’t catch him off guard if he happened to be in one of them. The first two rooms were empty.

I knocked on the third and there was no reply, but I decided to enter anyway. “Andreas?” I asked as I tentatively opened the door. There was only a dresser that was visible from my position at the door, so I walked deeper into the room. My heart did a little jump when I peeked around the door and found Andreas sitting on a bed, smaller than the ones that were in the rest of the house. He was sitting on the edge, his torso inclined forward as he examined something in his hands. His swimming gaze was on me, his mouth agape.

“What are you doing here, Lana?” he asked, his voice detached.

“I came to see if you were okay,” I answered lamely as I stepped further into the room and closed the door behind me.

“How did you find me?” he asked, a barely noticeable smile on his face.

“I checked your study first, and when you weren’t there, I’d figure you’d be in your brother’s room… which I doubted would be on one of the floors you gave people free reign over… so I came to check up here…” I was babbling, brilliant.

“Why?”

“Why did I come up here? Well, as I just explained I fig—“

“No. Why did you come to see if I was okay?” He cut me off, not looking at me.

Without invitation, I walked over to him and sat down on the bed next to him. I swallowed as his I could visibly see him stiffen. “Because,” I began, placing my hand on his shoulder, “I saw how much the reminder of your brother’s death hurt you. And I wanted to see if you were okay.”

He still didn’t look at me. “After everything I have done to you, you still care enough to see if I’m okay after such a reminder? You truly are a peculiar creature, little witch.”

I took my hand off of his shoulder and used it to brush my hair back. “No one should have to deal with something like that alone, no matter what they have done.”

Suddenly Andreas was turned to me and grasping my face between his hands. He looked deeply in my eyes as if trying to read my mind, his forehead wrinkling in concentration. Finally he sighed and his expression relaxed, though his hands did not. “I never deserved you, nor will I ever.” When his eyes opened his smile was a sad one.

My hands went up to cover his and I tried to get him to let go. He conceded, our hands going down together and I quickly let go. “That right there is your problem, Andreas. You make hasty conclusions and then make my decisions for me.”

“I haven’t made any decisions for you, little witch.”

“Forcing me to choose another option is the same thing as choosing for me. And I get it, you are afraid of letting someone else in because you have lost people in the past. I understand that. But you are only hurting yourself more by keeping people out. You are losing opportunities at happiness because you are afraid. It is better to have love and then lost than to never have loved at all.”

Andreas laughed, but it was humorless. “That’s just the thing, Lana, you don’t understand, not really. You may think that you do, but you never will. Nor do I ever wish that you do. I haven’t just lost one person I cared about, I’ve lost them all. Whoever said that it’s better to love and then lose, never experienced the pain of losing the ones he loved. A part of you dies every time, a part you will never get back no matter how long you search or how far you go to get it back. Slowly you start to lose everything that made you the person you once were. Slowly, your humanity gets chipped away until there is nothing left. It’s not just that I’m afraid. It’s that I’m not sure that I’m even capable of loving someone anymore.”

I bit my bottom lip stood up. Andreas’ curious gaze followed me. “No matter what I try and say you are just going to go ahead and make me sound naïve. I know that I’m still young and that I may not have experienced as much pain as you, but I do know what it feels like to lose everyone you love. At least in your case you knew they loved you too.” I started leaving, but his arm shot out and he grabbed my arm, halting my exit.

“I never mean to belittle your pain, little witch.  You have been through so much in so little time that it baffles me how you are still able to keep it all together without breaking apart. I admire your strength. And perhaps I should have told you this earlier. I’m not good at explaining myself, I never was and probably never will be. Communication is not my strongest attribute. But try to imagine yourself into my position. Everyone I care about has died. I’m not just afraid of losing them… I’m afraid that every person I allow to get close to me will end up getting hurt. That they’ll die because of me. So I push people away as soon as they start to mean something to me, not to keep myself from getting hurt, but to keep them alive.”

“At some point you are going to have to let someone in,” I whispered.

Andreas’ breath hitched. “I tried. And then she almost died.”

My mouth dropped open and before I could get a word to cross its threshold, he was gone. I was so angry and frustrated with him that I hit a pillow to relieve some of my aggression. He really needed to stop leaving in the middle of conversations. I sunk down on the bed again, clutching the pillow to me. Even if I somehow managed to forgive Andreas, would he ever allow me to get close to him or would we continue this dance forever? Him throwing out a short piece of rope, only to yank it out of my reach before I could grab on? And if so, would I be willing to always grasp empty air?