Broken Crown - Merlin

Silent Apologies

It had been a day since Arthur had learned about Merlin's secret romance. Arthur was not sure how to feel about it, all he knew was that he had held a low profile ever since.

They hadn't talked – not since Merlin's outburst of sudden hidden emotion, Arthur had never seen him like that before. It was weird. But to some degree, he understood. Merlin had met a girl he liked, but also a girl, who was feared. It was simply wrong. She had practiced magic right in front of them, back at the lake, and that was wrong. Outlawed. She had magic or at least played a part in it.

And yet Merlin managed to go about, acting like his usual self, knowing nothing could really happen between them. Arthur didn't know how he did it. How he managed to not say a word about it to Arthur – Merlin basically knew everything Arthur ever struggled with, one of the things being his relationship with Guinevere. Why shouldn't Merlin be able to tell him as well? Surely, he knew he could do that, didn't he?

The feeling of not being able to contain so much love, and so much worrying, was unbearable. Thank god Arthur had Merlin, he was the only one he could trust with that information. That must have been the exact same situation Merlin had been in – falling for a woman he couldn't have. If Uther had still been ruling Camelot, Arthur wouldn't have had Gwen either.

Merlin wasn't feeling any better himself. He had noticed Arthur's silence, but he hadn't done anything to break it. It gave him enough time to think things through.

Merlin couldn't get the horse incident out of his mind. Especially because, if it hadn't happened, Arthur would have never found out about Freya.

Freya. He needed to see her. Just one last time.

Merlin stood up, took a moment to observe his king not being aware of anything anymore. Man, he really did put an end to his talking, didn't he? He felt bad. He wanted to apologize, but then again, he didn't. Merlin wanted him to feel exactly what he felt. Just once. Just for a minute, he wanted Arthur to know how it felt to choose between a person you've dedicated your life to be around, and someone who you could be yourself around at any time, someone who loved you back. An impossible decision, yet he still had gone with his heart's desire and an opportunity to let his full potential be set free. His life was limited at Arthur's side. That's what he wanted Arthur to feel just once.

Merlin slowly walked towards his king, unaware of when he would hear another word exit Arthur's mouth.

"Arthur," Merlin said, low and unsure.

The king looked up at him with a deep breath, it looked like he had a lot on his mind, and he didn't know how to express himself. He, too, felt bad.

When Arthur acknowledged his presence without a word, Merlin took the opportunity to talk to him.

"I'm... Going back for a little while..." Merlin said, but quickly recognized the confused expression on Arthur's face,

"To the lake" Merlin added and watched as Arthur slowly understood.

Arthur merely nodded and looked down. It looked like he wanted to ask Merlin a million questions, but he decided to stick with the two simplest words he could think of, yet the two simplest words were also the words he rarely said, "I'm sorry"

Merlin stood silently. He knew what Arthur was referring to, and it made him happy. Or happier, that is. He felt a sense of accomplishment. The fact that he had made Arthur shut up for such a long time, was forming a little smile on his lips.

"I'm sorry... About Freya," Arthur added. He remembered her name?

"But you should have told me. I may have been the prince at the time, but... You should have told me" Arthur looked Merlin in the eyes, displayed a sort of sadness Merlin hadn't seen before.