❝Sure, whatever helps you sleep at night.❞
❝That would be you.❞
❝You're a smooth motherfucker, aren't you?❞
In which Nico desperately needs advice and finds a payphone, but he has nobody to call.
And then the payphone rings.
And Nico answers.
And ov...
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"So tea spilled that Jenny slept with the English teacher and — in a surprising turn of events — I'm not the one who knocked over the cup."
"What? How? When?"
"It's like God overlooked the fact that I'm an atheist and decided to help me anyways, even though I don't think he exists."
"Nice job contradicting yourself."
"My skin is clear. My crops are thriving. I now have 20/20 vision. It's a good day, Nessa."
"All this from humiliating Jenny and the teacher?"
"I didn't even do it! You can't be mad. I forbid you."
"You forbid me?"
"Indeed. Consider yourself as forbidden as the Forbidden Forest."
"Harry went to the forest numerous times even though it was forbidden, you dimwit. But your lack of Harry Potter knowledge doesn't matter right now, are you going to tell me how it happened or...?"
"I don't even know! One day I was being my usual self-loathing, whiny ass—"
"Accurate description of yourself."
"And the next everyone's whispering about how the two of them had done it! Apparently some girl spotted Mr. Teacher getting dicked down in the school library after hours—"
"To keep it classy, of course. God forbid they get caught somewhere non-educational."
"So she spilled the beans to the school on her snap story. It was beautiful."
"That's one way to describe it. So... how are you feeling?"
"What do you mean? I'm happier than chicken that shits solid gold."
"Actually, gold has no value to chickens, they have no concept of precious minerals. In fact, shitting solid gold would actually cause the chicken quite a lot of pain so—"
"I'm happy, Nessa!"
"But doesn't hearing about her... um... "
"Giving Mr. Teacher a big fat blowie?"
"Uh, yeah. Doesn't hearing about that make you a bit upset? She was your girlfriend, after all."
"Keyword: was. Not anymore. And lately I've been pretty distracted, I haven't thought about Jenny as much..."
"So you're okay?"
"Yeah, Nessa. I'm okay."
"Cuz, y'know... if you need— uh... um... someone to talk to or something—"
"You're cute, Chewie. Thank you."
"Yeah. Um, goodnight, Nico."
"Goodnight, Nessa."
"..."
"Thanks for being my distraction."
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the office is honestly the fuel for my life oml.
does anyone else find Nico being happy absolutely adorable?
