Hold on Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown And I don't know why But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell unwell- matchbox twenty
one week after≪ alice nichols we've gotten back home from amsterdam two days ago and the whole time we were there it was awkward between shawn and i. no one seemed to notice, which i was thankful for but the whole time i was thinking what has gone through his mind while he made the decision to kiss me? the guilt was growing inside of me, i felt like a home wrecker, and i couldn't tell anyone because if i did, if i spoke to anyone about this then i'd be real. someone other than shawn and i would know, and i didn't want that. shawn tried talking to me but i avoided him or made small talk with him. we were becoming friends and he had to ruin that. the whole trip him and his girlfriend were happy, why would he make that decision when he had someone who's completely in love with him? there were lots of question roaming my mind. flashback i looked at myself in the mirror and i asked myself who i've become. i touched my lips, i can still imagine what his lips felt like on top of mine. i tried holding the tears but i couldn't, i let them pour. i broke down on the bathroom floor, sobs emitted from my mouth. who had i let this happen? did i show him any signs that i was into him? because i didn't mean to, i didn't want to ruin his happy relationship. i didn't mean for any of this to happen.
•••
i woke up on the bathroom floor hugging my knees, i realized i've fallen asleep crying. last nights memories still fresh in my mind. i felt a tear go down my cheek. i couldn't cry because if i did propel would notice and they would ask questions and i wasn't ready to answer the questions. instead i got ready and texted the group chat to see what we were doing next
•••
📍amsterdam
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alice.nichols late night adventures, i miss you amsterdam xx
user1: that's so pretty user2: people saw her and shawn alone at night 👀 lilywalsh: this is so pretty!! shawn told me you guys took pics, i wish i was there! user3: so shawn and you👀 issywilliams: you should've woken me up!!
📍amsterdam
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shawnmendes thank you for treating me well xx
user1: uGH PRETTY user2: sHAWN WHAT A VIEW lilywalsh: ❤️ issywilliams: this is so pretty i'm- user3: shawn did you cheat on lily with alice? mendespolariods: i would've pushed you in if i was there🤧 shawnsyuplive: mendespolariods this is why he doesn't notice you!! like2beyou: mendespolariods SIDKSKDKF MISS SUSIE SAME ↓ ↓ quick lil update
