Are you strong enough? Are you wise enough?
Are you giving up? Will you disappear?
When it comes to me, I don't know you see
I don't want to leave, but I can't stay
worth it- kodaline
≪ shawn mendes
ever since i kissed alice it had been awkward between me and her, i understand why. that night left me confuse as well but i've gotten to the conclusion that i didn't feel guilty about it. no matter how hard i tried convincing myself to feel bad for what i've done my mind brushed it off, and i wondered why. i thought back to when i kissed her, the night it all happened.
*flashback*
we stood outside of her door, everything we did was perfect. she was perfect. i cant get her off my mind no matter how hard i tried, during this whole adventure all i could think about was how pretty she was and all the likable things about her. i shouldn't feel this way about her but i do. so without hesitation i took her face in my hands and pulled it closer to my face, kissing her. when i kissed her i felt sparks, like i had just been electrocuted. i looked at her face and shock was written all over it, none of us said anything.
"i- i'm so sorry, i shouldn't have," i tried explaining to her what i can't even explain to myself.
she looked disappointed, "shawn just go, goodnight," she mumbled. i walked away with my head down low, and not because i had kissed her but because of her reaction, i mean if i was her i'd probably have the same reaction. i couldn't fathom why i was so bothered by her reaction and not what i had just done. and it hit me, not only did i cheat on my girlfriend but i caught feelings for someone other than her.
i went back to the room and found lily hugging a pillow, i took my shirt off and i just laid there, how could i have done this to her? i spent all night thinking of how i didn't want to hurt her but i also couldn't let my mistake slip. i just decided to sleep it off leaving the problem for tomorrow.
i'm now laying in my own bed, still thinking about it. i don't know if i could do this, i don't know if i could keep up my relationship with lily. my feelings we're all over the place. feelings. i didn't have feelings for her anymore, that's why there was no guilt. i felt like an asshole admitting to myself that i didn't have feelings for my girlfriend anymore yet it made so much sense. i lost all my love, if you could call it that for her. i'd never felt like what alice and i had with lily. i don't want to leave her but i couldn't stay in this relationship anymore. i knew i couldn't keep striving her along, i need to break up with her, i don't care if my publicist wouldn't let me, but i need to do it. my phone made a sound letting me know i've gotten a notification, and maybe the universe heard me because the lily texted me.
baby❤️
do you have plans for tonight?
me
no why babe?
baby❤️
we need to talk. tonight.
or maybe the universe isn't on my side at all this time, but i replied. what if she found out? i couldn't handle her breaking down infront of me because the one thing i want for her to feel is worthless.
me
ok
baby❤️
meet me at our favorite restaurant at 7
me
ok babe, i'll see you.
↓
↓
ok.
