Burning Out

Chapter 8

IGNORANCE ISN'T A BLISS

'You knew it'd break you, yet you let them do it willingly.'

It's been a while since I have written. And though this is not my best this is something that's been on my mind for quite a few days. Anyway, go right ahead.

***

Ignorance isn't a bliss.

It's a trap made to look like one. People prefer to live in the dark about things they are afraid will change everything they have believed in and everything they have lived for.

They'd much rather walk around with a blindfold over their eyes, blindly walking into their lies, their deception, their betrayal.

They continue to wander into the mist of darkness, that non existent blindfold they put on their eyes doesn't allow even a ray of sunshine to pass over. Just the way it stops then from seeing the truth.

They know when the other person starts to drift away. When the ecstasy that came along with the endearments gave way to cold silence over the 'I'm busy right now.' and 'I'm not coming back home today.'

We all see it coming, we all know it. We feel the connection we held so close to our heart at one point pulling away at our mind and our soul, leaving behind this bleak, dark void you thought only one person could fill.

I guess it hurts more knowing that you always knew that it won't lead to anything good. You knew it'd be worthwhile but someone will be left in smithereens by the time it ends. You knew that it was all a good dream, till it wasn't anymore, bordering on a nightmare. But it was too much of an addiction to let go of.

You knew this was happening, and you still didn't let go.

You knew it'd break you, yet you let them do it willingly.

So I guess it was your fault. For wanting that taste, just another go, at that sweet high that came along with them. Just wanting to go another moment drunk on the high, just another moment before you became sober.

But I have always been sober for far too long. And something still stops me every time I think about confronting you.

I saw those text messages you were trying so hard to keep away from me. I wasn't trying to breach your privacy. I would never resort to something like that. And I try not to jump to conclusions but how could I not when every time I try to talk to you about it you distract me and divert the attention to a different matter. With that voice of yours that I once longed to hear and those sweet lips that aren't any better than cocaine. The kisses that felt like a million stars started feeling like poison in my veins.

Because I knew you were lying. I could see it in your eyes, something mirroring guilt as you talked to me. And with every breath you exhaled, I started seeing the regret passing through those lips. The ones which you placed on mine, only mine. But I suppose not anymore. Because those lips are no longer mine even if they are somewhat entitled to. Because in your heart, and in your mind, they belong to someone else.

The perfume that you used to wear whenever we used to go out. The one I gifted you on our two year anniversary, now lingering on your skin every time you leave the house. It used to be my favourite, just like I used to be yours, but now the thought makes me nauseous and wanting to spill my guts out just the way I hope everyday you'd spill out the truth.

Whenever I come home now a days, I see the living room where we used to watch movies and play FIFA on our Xbox together, which has now become the place where you always pick up fights with me for no reason at all. I wonder if it's your way out. Waiting for me to make a wrong move for you to get a solid reason to break it off. And I start thinking maybe I did do something wrong and you were right to do it in the first place. If you ever did anything at all. But I know one thing for sure, home doesn't feel like home anymore.

And how would you explain that one day, a piece of your clothings that shouldn't be for anyone's eyes but mine was just lying around carelessly along with the tie I know wasn't mine on the couch. The place where I've been sleeping for the past month because you say you don't feel right sleeping next to me anymore.

I suppose I should be bitter, feeling anger and hatred whenever I see the red dress you wear to your formal dinners. How the lipstick you wear looks smudged and the way your hair is as disheveled as the dress you were wearing when you come back home.

I should feel all sorts of anger towards you. But all I feel is numb. And when this paralysing emotion goes away, all I feel is hurt. With a sadness that cannot be explained in a few words.

What I don't understand is why do people cheat? It isn't a mistake, it's a choice. You can't just blame it on drunken mistakes. And if you feel remorse for doing it, why do you keep on doing it again? But you never felt remorse did you? So why don't you just let this go?

Because let's face it. If you ever really loved me, you wouldn't have done it in the first place. And if you never really did, why didn't you break it off between us before doing it? Or after it became a routine not a 'it only happened once'.

It's not about the sense of security. No. And it isn't even about not wanting to hurt the feelings of the person you are in a relationship with.
Because you couldn't keep this a secret forever. So how did you think I'd react? How I would feel when I'd find out about you and him?

And you don't really love him either if you have continued doing this. Because you wouldn't want to be with him in secret when you are already in a relationship with someone else if you cared about him.

But we aren't really together are we? We drifted apart without really knowing about it. Maybe you always knew, and I was too oblivious thinking about you in my arms till I saw you in his.

That's the thing I guess.

People cheat to win.
But what could you possibly win from this?
Because if you are thinking you are winning this battle you are wrong.
We are both losing.

Right now, I'd much rather live in this trap than see you move away. But I know that I won't always feel this way. It would have been easier not to know. But in this case I'd take an exception.

Ignorance isn't a bliss.

Because even if this isn't easy, I know deep down I wouldn't want to do it this way. I'd much rather walk away first than see you do it. Slowly, painfully, and taking whatever's left of my heart, patience and trust away with you as you go.

I guess this is it.

~ Someone who thought was your present and would be a part of your future but now is just a figment of your past. The way you are now only a part of mine.

***

That was long. I guess it somewhat made up for my last update which was pretty short.

I actually wanted to write about this through a guy's perspective about how it feels when someone cheats on you. I've always found this stereotype in many scenarios where the guy cheats on the girl and she is left heartbroken. I wanted to show that it needn't always be true. Because anyone can be on either sides of the situation - whether it's a guy or a girl.

I hope this made sense. And thank you for reading once again. Don't forget to vote if you liked it.