What's a Girl to Do? (Season 4)

Chapter Six: Great Expectations

After a handful of weeks of Ian telling me to snap out of my funk, and me telling Ian not to go after Nicholas or Josh, things managed to settle into a halfway point between normal and abnormal in our day-to-day lives. I didn't show my pain towards Nicholas or Josh in front of Iana, of course, because even though my daughter was wise beyond her years, and I wanted her to understand that honesty was important within a family unit, I didn't want to burden her with the problems of an adult so early in her life. Ian noticed, however, and yet resolved to remain tight-lipped whenever Nicholas was around, although I had the sense that my boyfriend knew that something was up.

"You doing okay?" he asked me, about a week before Thanksgiving, when we'd just finished a meeting with Gwen Eastman, in preparations for opening arguments happening in January. "I mean, you were really quiet today..."

"I presented my notes when asked to do so," I replied, trying not to sound too defensive towards him. "What else was there to say?"

Nicholas nodded. "You're right," he said, gathering up his paperwork, sounding more concerned than anything else. "You didn't prattle on about your personal life," he went on, and I could sense that this was his attempt at a joke, in an effort to get me to open up to him. "I'm surprised you only replied to Gwen asking about Iana. Usually you..."

"Go on and on about her," I said, plastering a smile onto my face as I finished picking up my things in a somewhat organizational manner. "I know. I've been trying to work on that. Fact is, I want people to care as much about my daughter as I do, but I've come to realize that certain things aren't healthy wishes."

He shook his head. "No. In our line of work especially, we have to be careful how close to people we present ourselves."

"And maybe to each other," I say, the words slipping from my lips before I can stop them, and I deliberately look away from Nicholas then, checking my phone.

"What do you mean by that?" he asked.

Immediately, I shook my head. "Nothing," I replied, my tone clipped. "Hey, it's almost two-thirty now, so I've got to get to my office and finish my work before I'm done for today. I know it's one of my long days, but Gwen gave us some things to think about..."

"Sure," Nicholas replied.

I raised my eyes to his, giving him a stiff nod. "Great," I replied, turning around and placing my hand upon the door handle.

"Hey, Murph?" Nicholas asked, coming up behind me and placing his hand on mine, which caused my whole body to stiffen. "You okay?"

I turned around then, my stiffness not leaving me. Since Halloween, Nicholas and I had seldom been physically close, even though we were now in a relationship, and I could sense that he missed me, but I didn't want to give in to my body's urges—I couldn't. I felt like there was a barrier between us that had ceased to exist since this past June, during the blissful, early days of our relationship, but now that there was this lie just festering between us...

"I'm fine," I said quickly—too quickly.

He arched an eyebrow. "You sure?"

I nodded, determined not to have a screaming match with him in a conference room—I wouldn't air on that side of professionalism, or lack thereof, ever again. "Of course. Everything's fine. I mean, you don't have to worry..."

"I do... I worry," he said then, the small confession slipping through his lips.

I hesitated for a moment before standing on my toes and kissing him lightly on the lips. "Don't worry about me, Nicholas, please," I told him, my voice firm. "I mean, I was alone for the first two decades of my life..."