Daughter of the Games (Sequel to Pregnant in the Games)

Author's Note (Again. Sorry)

TW: Self-harm and suicidal ideation

Pre-word, added 1/5/2021: This author's note really has nothing to do with DOTG, but it's an explanation as to why I was so distant when I was 16 years old and writing this story. Now that I'm an adult, a big part of me wants to delete this little author's note. It's clearly coming from a place of great pain, when I was quite young and naive. When I still let men rule my emotions. When I didn't know my worth. I don't love the idea of someone googling my name and finding this. But to delete it would be to erase the experiences I was going through as a teenager, and I don't want to do that - because the pain I describe below has made me so much stronger. You have no idea. Maybe this note will help some of you. It was written six years ago...and I'm still alive. I still struggle with bad coping mechanisms. I still struggle with my mental health. But I have more tools under my belt now. And I'm still a writer. So just as a reminder: no matter how old you are, your pain is legitimate. No matter how painful this moment is, it will pass. Pain is an inevitable part of life, but what you do with that pain matters so much more. 

Plus, another reason I don't want to delete this: I don't want to be embarrassed about my mental health. There's nothing to be embarrassed about. Our negative thoughts are a piece of us, but they do not define who we are. 

Hey, guys.

So I feel like I have some explaining to do. I've been very distant lately, and I realize that I've probably let a lot of you down. I promised that when summer came around, I would update more often. But I've kinda broken that promise. 

This last year of my life has been really, really hard. In late September, my dad moved out. My parents separated. And at the same time, my school life got super stressful. Plus I still had dance going on. And with all of this, writing had to be set aside. Which absolutely sucks, because writing is my life. It should never come second to anything else. It's my passion. But I didn't have any choice. 

In February, things started to change. I was starting to become happy again. Which was a relief, since the last five months had sucked. You see, I met someone. Well, I had technically known him for a few years but I didn't really know him until February. I was already in a relationship. However, my heart didn't seem to care about that. I fell so in love with this boy so fast. He became my entire life. He was the first thing I thought of in the morning and the last thing I thought of at night. He brightened my life up so much... Nothing else mattered. There wasn't a problem he couldn't fix. It didn't matter if I was drowning in the stress of school or if I had listened to my parents fight for hours, because he could make me smile so easily. (2021 Hailey interjecting here: if you feel this strongly about someone, run. It's not love. It's codependence, and it's not healthy)

As the school year started winding down, I got really excited about getting back to my writing. I was looking forward to being a regular on Wattpad again. I was looking forward to interacting with you guys, my little snowflakes, because you mean the world to me. Except something started happening between me and my boyfriend. My happiness started fading, because I felt like he was growing away from me. I became so afraid that I was going to lose him that I actually started self-harming again after a year and a half of being clean. 

In the end, I was right. Less than a week after that first new cut, my boyfriend broke up with me. I lost everything. Suddenly, I couldn't find reasons to be happy. Self-harming became a usual thing for me again. More so than it ever had been before. I completely spiraled out of control, and no one around me even realized it. Not my parents. Not my dance teacher. Nobody. No one understands how much pain I was in.

All of this was over a stupid boy. I can't explain to you why I've reacted in this way. There's just something about him. He still brightens my life when I'm around him. He's said very little to me since the breakup, but what he does say makes me feel so happy. You may call me overdramatic. You may say I'm blowing things out of proportion. But I love him. Living day to day without him really sucks.

With all of this pain, I've been having problems creatively. Not even writing has been able to make me feel better. So that's why I haven't been updating this summer like I promised. I've been trying really hard. It's just that the words weren't flowing like they used to. My writing became forced. I didn't like anything that I wrote down. I've tried writing chapter 19 like five different times. But it's never been good enough for me to publish. 

With all of this being said, I'm getting better. These last few days have been a dramatic turn-around. I still cry sometimes. I still miss him a lot. But I'm realizing that I can't change my situation. I just have to be grateful that we did have our time together, however brief it may have been. Plus, I'm pretty sure that he's still in love with me with a few other things that have occurred. (2021 Hailey here to tell you - he wasn't still in love with me. I just thought I needed his love in order to love myself. GIRL YOU DON'T)

I need to throw myself back into my writing. I need to do what makes me happy. If I don't, then I'm just going to linger over this pain until it kills me. So I'm back. I promise. And I mean it this time. 

Thank you so much to all of you who have stuck with me. It's been over a year and a half since I started writing PITG and I can't believe the story's continued for this long. DOTG's looking like it's going to be SUPER long. I mean, I'm on chapter 19 and they just got into the Hunger Games. At this point in time in PITG, Chris and Jessica were already dead, Rayne and Gale were together, Tetrick and Willow were together, and Katniss and Finnick were figuring out that Luke had rigged the games and put Titus in. So DOTG may take a while to finish.

I love you all, my little snowflakes. Thank you again for all that you do for me. You've made my dreams come partly true, and that's farther than most people get. Thank you for the support. Sorry about the long and drawn-out author's note. I just thought that you guys should know what's really been going on with me. Writing this has been a little hard, since there are details of my life in here that most people in my real life don't know about. 

As far as the cutting goes, I'm done with it. While cutting makes me feel better for a moment, the relief never lasts. Plus, I don't think I need it anymore. I'm okay. I'm getting better. If you struggle with self-harm, please message me. We can talk. I love you and I want you to be happy again. (2021 Hailey still thinks this is a good sentiment, even if I didn't always listen to my own advice. Go to therapy, kids)

-Hailey/emukid96