Why him? ✔️ {JJKxR}

23: Wasn't supposed to go like this.

(Jungkook's POV) 

This was it. Surely, I could not go on any longer. This girl is ripping me apart. I love her so so so much but I just can't be around her if it means I'm unable to express those feelings openly. I tried smothering them but that is making me feel sick in the stomach. That night in the yard I was sure she was going to say some intense stuff which made me realize she probably doesn't like me at all in that way. That realization should have made me want to move on right? Well, NOPE! I tried everything I could to force her out of my mind but it would seem my skull is just too thick. My heart was pounding that night and when she said my name I felt like dying of happiness but this feeling makes me wonder if even my brother has ever experienced such anguish. I have a theory, maybe my body purposefully wants to kill itself without my consent because that sure feels like what it's trying to do. When I say I have been unable to think of anything other than y/n I'm not lying. Every. Single. Thought. It's all her and it's making me feel sick at the thought that so many miles are in between us. I tortured myself throughout the entire night of Christmas. 

"I just want to talk to her." I whimpered in my room, hoping that if I let out some sort of sound that perhaps some of the weight within my chest would be relived, well guess what? That doesn't freaking work! My hands shook as I held my phone and I just knew that somehow even if I tried to talk to her I just wouldn't be able to type. She probably wouldn't even want me to talk to her. She'd probably tell me to screw myself if I wished her a Merry Christmas. By the time new Years arrived I was actually dying. My soul was screaming. It was like I couldn't function properly. I was completely y/n deprived and I needed another dose. I sat curled up in my room basically whimpering. I felt terrible for my parents who were so confused at why their usually cheerful son had just turned into a sobbing mess. I knew that they were worried sick for me but I'm pretty sure whatever I'm enduring is ten million times worse. 

'If I deprive myself of her, maybe I can get over her more quick.' 'I just need to stuff my time full of other things.' What "genius" ideas. However every night I had dreams of her. Some were blissful fantasies that calmed and nurtured my soul... Others were nightmares so unbearable that I'm not even going to try and explain the feeling. Finally it was time for the entrance ceremony which meant school which meant less time to think about a certain someone.

(Your POV) 

I stood in the crowd of school girls and boys as we attended the ceremony. When I had first arrived my neck had craned constantly for any sign of Jungkook, as if the mere sight of him would be enough to satisfy my hunger for his presence. I couldn't see him until after the entrance ceremony and he was laughing with his friends. Emotions exploded within me like rockets. Joy for seeing him, misery for the fact that it wasn't me he was laughing with. I realized I was getting too emotional again so I retreated to the girl's lavatories for some relief. 

(Jungkook's POV) 

I tried my very hardest to act as if nothing was up and even managed to squeeze out a fake laugh when one of the hyungs cracked a joke. I turned around, thinking I had seen 'her' and found myself staring at her back as she walked away. 

'She saw me and walked away... She hates me that much?' My stomach jolted unpleasantly and I decided to go die somewhere with less people. The men's lavatories should do. 

(Your POV and Timeskip because of reasons)

This year was being pushed off with a class field trip. This one was an actual 'field' trip as we were heading to some beautiful mountains and meadows for some 'artistic inspiration' but this also meant I was stuck in a bus with Jungkook which was actually considerably better than sitting at the same desk for a couple hours. I was sure to cry then and he would see it. At least this way I could cry in peace. I had finally worked up that stomach to tell Sun-hee and Ji su about my 'guy problems' and they were shocked. I was the least likely out of our entire group of friends to cry over guy problems and be this affected by it all and yet... here we are. They sat protectively on either side of me at the back of the bus. Jungkook was a little late and as soon as he entered the bus, I buried my face in Ji su's shoulder, knowing that if I looked at him for longer than a second I'd probably start crying again. The bus set off and the cheery inhabitants, excluding me of course, sang songs, cracked jokes, and just had a pretty good time. Everyone was in high spirits. Jungkook didn't seem to join in though and the briefest moment of thinking he might be suffering about the same thing as me flicked across my mind before I pushed it away. He was always more straight forward than me, he would have probably confronted me by now.