The Rebel In Me

+Chapter 10+ Problematic+

I didn't sleep, I was wide awake from all my little cat naps and I just replayed the whole night. Every bad thing, every moment and every tear I had shed. I took a deep breath and sighed, I carefully got untangled from him and off the hood. I walked over to the overview and looked out to our town. It seemed so...small up here, so trivial. I leaned against the railing and sighed.

The railing pressing against my stomach, a reminder it wouldn't let me off this cliff. I frowned and looked down seeing a forest below and no clearing. That would be a messy death. I shook my head and walked away, I paced around scratching feverishly at my wrists. The pain sending a chill through my spine but it didn't bother me. Mother is worried....Father is angry. He could have murdered her. He could've disowned you. You're a piece of shit. You will be the death of her. You suck.

The little voice in my head chanted and chanted over and over. It drilled itself deep into my skull, repeating this in a sing-songy tune. It probably was true, it is true, I know its true. Why did I have to be gay? Why did I have to live a life of taboo? Why couldn't I be fucking normal? Why?!

I plopped down by the over view and put my face into my hands and I quietly began to cry. My body shaking and heaving as each tear rolled silently down my cheeks. I gripped at my sides and made a tiny squeak. You good for nothing piece of shit. Kill yourself, everyone would be happier. Jaime the queer,  Jaime the monster, Jaime the disgrace.

I sniffled a bit and pulled at my hair, my stupid ugly hair. I yelped when I pulled a bit too hard and slammed a tight fist into the side of my head. The pain ringed and lingered, and I did it again but to the other side. Stupid,  you deserve that.You deserve it all, you should've been perfect. You should've obeyed Dad. Look around you're lost and stupid, you piece of shit.

"Stop it."I muttered at the voice in my head but it was relentless.

You're fat, you are ugly, you should die. You should. You know it, you're gay no one will ever love you not even Nate. He doesn't love you, he wanted you gone today. You fat ugly shit.

"No."I mumbled and the hot tears came faster. These tears were harder to silence and I couldn't hold back anymore. I leaned foward on my hands and knees and began to heave. I gagged and vomited till I felt completely empty.  I gagged some more before I fell back onto my butt shaking.

Good, get rid of that you fat queer.

I shook and hugged myself, the tears now could not be silenced. The hot tears rolled down my cheeks as I made little sounds here and there.

Weak.

I began go gag again.

Spineless.

I let out a somewhat loud scream.

Stupid.

"Jaime..."A soft, sleepy voice called but I didn't move. I heard some thumping, like he was grouping the hood for something.

"Jaime?!"He called louder but I didn't look up.

"Oh..Jaime..There you-"He stopped. "J..Jaime?" I heard a soft thud then the sound of footsteps approaching.

"Are you sick? Jaime..Look at me. "He whispered and kneeled next to my side.

"Jaime..."He croaked and I turned my head slightly to look at him. His eyes were brimming with tears.

"Jaime? whats wrong? "He asked and pulled me into his strong arms.

"Jaime talk to me.." He whimpered. "Please.." He glaced at my wrists and sighed softly stroking my hair.

"Did you make yourself..vomit?"He asked and I shook my head no.

"What happened?" He asked his voice full of concern.

"The voices. "I whispered.

"Oh Jaime.."He held me tighter. "Why didn't you wake me?"

"You were tired...I wasn't..they got to me."

"I won't leave you alone.I promise,  oh Jaime."He rocked me in his arms.

"You don't want me..."

"I do, Jaime.  I do, I don't want this for you. Jaime.."His voice broke and I could hear him sobbing and I looked up at him.

"Jaime I love you...Please."His face was twisted and red.

"Please?"I asked quietly.

"Don't hurt yourself. Don't die...I want you with me.."He mumbled as he buried his face into my hair.

"You hated me an hour or so ago."

"I didn't,  I said that already. Jaime..We said we will work on us, you doing this...you hurting yourself or dying. "His voice broke and he made a choked sound.

"Whats wrong?"I asked.

"It hurts thinking about it." Nate answered. "But..You can find another guy..."I muttered.

"I don't want another guy. I want a Jaime. My Jaime. My broken little Jaime, my little bitch."He laughed through tears and I smiled a bit."You...I want..You."

"You mean that...?"

"Yes and I'll say it forever."He moved his face from my hair and I looked up at him. He placed his lips to mine, molding perfectly and kissing me ever so softly. I kissed him back, the voices silent for now.

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Sorry I haven't posted its just Summer and its so flipping hot. I don't wish to move. Sorry, time to post chapterss. Feedback is welcomed,  I don't know how this is going and I just I don't know. Keep it going or just yeah. Yay chapter. Yay.