Artificial Love

Hero Or Villian

The weekend takes forever to get here and is gone too soon. I left a little bit of a mess for mom on Friday. I told her that "Amanda" and I wouldn't be so sloppy again. On Saturday I spent half my day in bed and then the other half at the library. On Sunday I visited with my grandma at the nursing home. She always loved to see me, but I hadn't seen her in awhile cause I was always out doing things with my old friends. Now I'm glad that I could hang out with my grandma, she is very funny and super wise, also I think she cheats at cards.

As she was teaching me liars poker I just opened up to her. Well not about everything of course, that would have been awkward. I told her about how my best friend isn't speaking to me and that we were in a fight. Grandma told me that it was probably for the best because Amanda didn't seem like a very nice girl. After talking about my friendship with Amanda and explaining what it had been like I realized that maybe my grandmother was right. Amanda only ever wanted to go to parties and drink. Or we would go to the mall and troll for cute clothes and hot guys. She made fun of everybody's outfits, including my own, and she was pretty self absorbed. I guess I just hadn't seen that because I was becoming the same way.

"There was this girl in school that we all used to call creepy. My friends and I did it, but she confronted me about it. She was right what I did was wrong and I apologized to her because I realized that names hurt and I feel really bad for what I did." I admitted to my grandma. Grandma nodded and thought for a moment.

"Well at least you apologized and excepted responsibility. How did you feel when she confronted you about it?" She asked me nonchalantly. I sighed.

"I felt like a bad person. Like I was no better than any other bully. I also thought she was brave." I spoke in a small voice. Grandma lowered her cards and looked at me with curiosity.

"Why did you think she was brave?" She wondered. I bit my lip, and she raised her brow.

"Because...because that couldn't have been easy. Telling somebody how you feel after they had done something that really hurt you. For standing up for herself and demanding answers. I'm not sure I could have done that." I gloom, because I really wish I could stand up for myself. I wish I could make everything better for not just me but Harper too.

"I think you're right Renely. About her being brave. I see a spark in you though, don't sell yourself short. We all do some pretty terrible things in life, but the point of those lessons is to learn from them and never make the same mistakes again. I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. You said you were sorry and you meant it. That's all you can do." Grandma was right, I couldn't change what I had done to Harper no more than I can change what was going on with me. All I could do is except responsibility and move on. Just because I did a bad thing doesn't make me a bad person. It just makes me human.

"I hope she can forgive me." I sigh. Grandma nodded.

"Unfortunately that part takes a little time." I chew the inside of my cheek. Thinking about how I can make it up to Harper. I don't think there's anything I could do to make what I said for years any better. I was wrong. Doing it isn't the worst thing in the world. It's living with it that's the hardest.

When school came back around on Monday I was less than excited. Mom made comments about my outfit of choice. A pair of loose white fitting cargo pants and a plain black long sleeved shirt. It wasn't as baggy as I would have liked but at least I felt hidden in it. When Westly came into homeroom and looked right at me I suddenly didn't feel so hidden. He walked straight back to the seat he had sat in on Friday. The one next to me. Maybe it was just me but I think I heard the whole room get quiet. He sat down without a word, I was almost thankful. I sat still and rigid, I didn't relax until I heard the chattering of my class mates pick back up again. I let out a sigh, but I couldn't relax. During school I was always tensed up and expecting something to happen.