Dear Italy » Kylian Mbappé

ten | past

NOTHING WERE EVER to be the same after that call. How was I going to cope with Italy being out of my life? My little sister that I grew up hating but loving thousand times more.

I open the door to my parents mansion in the middle of the night. It feels like I'm back to three years ago when I used to sneak home past midnight without my parents knowing.

But this time Mom wasn't sitting in her armchair reading a magazine, waiting for me to come home so that she could yell me out.

The house is completely dark and silence. When I carry my luggage up the big stairs towards my bedroom, I hear my dad snoring loudly from my parents room.

I decide to try and get some sleep and not wake Mom and Dad up today; they've had a rough couple of hours, just like me and Frans.

My room is just as I left it a year ago when I visited before summer. The clean room in light pink and gold details is everything from what I would had chosen to decorate it but my Mom did it after telling me that "it's my house and I am in charge of how it will look".

Mom has never liked my decisions and even less my taste in style and fashion. My teenage years when living here were endless conversations of my not being the daughter she wanted me to be. Look at her now, I'm her only daughter. She doesn't have her perfect and favourite daughter anymore.

With Italy, she always ignored the fact that Italy was partying and risking her life all the time. Mom was just so proud that Italy was her little princess that I never was so Italy's bad side never got to her.

After packing up my favourite grey pyjamas shorts and t-shirt, I change into them before cuddling down under the duvets. Ignoring that my suitcase is laying on the floor unpacked and that Mom will probably argue with me about it in the morning.

I stare up at the ceiling as tears starts building up in my eyes. Coming home made me remember how every time I walked through that door downstairs, Italy was always first to greet me with open arms.

The tears started pouring down towards my ears and get stuck in my hair. I quickly wipe them away before my hair gets even more messier than by the traveling and anxiousness.

It's selfish to even cover my sorrows about Italy with how messy my hair will get if I continue crying. I'm such a horrible person; no wonder that I'm sailing around the world by myself because I'm trying to escape the sad truth about my life. That I'm lonely, messed up and crazy, telling myself that we all are that.

After horrible and torturing nightmares about Italy and my problem, I wake up after three hours of sleep. The door is closed, just as I left it, and my suitcase is laying on the floor even though it feels like it's all over the place.

I carefully open the door our to the hallway to not make any sounds. As I approach the stairs, I hear voices from downstairs and I quickly freeze.

I'm about to turn around and walk back to my room and change into something other than this that my mother actually would approve but my plans are instantly destroyed when someone walks up to me from behind.

I turn around and is taken by surprise when Kylian is standing there in a pair of shorts and a plain
t-shirt.

"He-hey." I awkwardly say quite light so that they downstairs don't hear me.

"Good morning." he say continuing walking towards the stairs.

Even though I'm kind of feeling embarrassed and guilty in some way about Kylian, him being here and him seeing me like a mess, the first thought that comes to my head is if he can wear casual clothes, than I can too!

So with that quick decision made, I move down the stairs a couple of metres after Kylian.

I see my parents, Frans and Natalia sitting by the big kitchen table eating breakfast. Everyone is quiet but no one seems sad which is very surprising and unexpected. I, without saying anything, sit down beside Frans and on the other side of the table from Kylian.

I look over at my mother in her dark blue suit but she seems to be just as alway, without all the nagging on me.

I turn my head up from the bowl of oatmeal and up to Kylian who gives me a light smile which I force myself to return.

My curtains are covering my windows while I lay on my back on top of my bed with my arms spread out as I look up into the total blackness.

I blame myself for making everyone feel this confused and sad that I suppose that they are feeling. I was the one to have a big fight with Italy in front of everyone except Kylian but he absolutely know about it in detail.

The fight was all a mess and it didn't make my relationship with mom and dad better. It was just stupid to react the way I did; yelling out Italy for being irresponsible and a baby that really needs to grow up.

God! All this is a mess and I wish over all that I could just erase the problems I've caused and go back to the way it was over a year ago.

Two days later we had a simple funeral with only close friends and family by our family grave in France. As my mother is best at; she decided for me, even though that I'm over 18, that I should live with Frans and Natalia in Paris to get my senses back and stop having a pity party for myself.

So here I am, having a pity party in Paris. The city famous for it's art, culture and fashion. But I am not having any of it.

I've decided that I'll let myself get depressed and think about what I want to do with my life since I'm never going to be that peaceful and adventurous person again and with that can't go back to how it was before Italy passed away.

I thought that my life was over and that I was never going to be able to live with myself. I just couldn't find a reason to wake up in the morning when I'd done such horrible thing, at least it was for me. Looking back at it now, I think that I was a cry baby, but in my defence; I was very unstable at the beginning and then the person I loved the most just disappeared and all drama with that too. Let's just say that I wasn't in the best part of my life.

* * *

This chapter has really taken a long time to get published. A lot have happened in the process, I'm trying to adapt to new and quite big things and I've been really sick. But here is a little longer and more "interesting" chapter, I hope you'll enjoy it.

[ not edited ]