Dreams Of A Failure

Night

Night is the worst time to be alone. It's when you're the most alone. No one is usually awake and you really get to sit and think about all the wrong you've done recently. For me it's a lot. I've done so much wrong recently. I've ruined the only relationship I've ever had with another person and it hurts so bad. The way she looked at me tore me down in the most horrible way. And now every time I close my eyes all I can see is the hatred in her eyes.

"I'll never love you. I never did, and I never will."

She was so cruel. I knew how she felt before she said the words. Deep down I knew she would never feel the same. It was a fool's errand to chase after her like that. And now I can't help but want to fall asleep in the darkness of my room and never leave again. Maybe that's what I'll do. I'll never leave my room again. But wouldn't it be so much easier to cease my existence as a whole? It would be easier for her, easier for me. Easy.

But no. I could never do that to my family, not to myself, not to the people I've yet to meet. I don't know if I'll find love again some day. She can't possibly be the only one in this world capable of my affection, could she? No. Not possible. So I'll try again. And again. And again. Until my trying runs out and I fall apart for the last time. Maybe then it'll be understandable for me to give up. But not now. This night will soon turn to day and I will be free.