Dreams Of A Failure

Fear

She knows. 

She knows and she's going to tell the whole school. My life is over. My love is long lost and nothing can replace it. 

Is this an obstacle life is throwing at me or is this the end? How can someone go on like this while she's with the people she loves most in the world, and I'm not one of them? What am I supposed to do with myself when the only person I can tolerate being around wants nothing to do with me? I always knew she liked him more than she ever liked me, but I never thought I was so replaceable. I didn't think she was capable of something like this. 

Has anyone ever done something that has made you feel so useless and pointless? Its like you really have to sit down and wander your role in their life, and to a certain extent, you have to think about the role you're playing in your own life. Because you've based everything off of them and now they're gone and your left with the shell of the person you've created and they've destroyed. Its the most beautiful and yet painful display of man-made entropy. The tendency of things to self destruct. To erupt. To fall apart. Thats what my life has become. Ever since I met her my days have started and created life, yet when I saw her, slowly my brain would destroy itself, ripping down the gardens I planted and instead planting vines, all consuming and drowning the life I'm trying to build. Its exhausting. I'm exhausted. 

Honestly I've thought too often about the role my life is playing in hers and its so small that I've wandered if its even worth it. If its even worth waking up the next day and dragging myself through the process of destruction just to see her face on more time. And every day I tell myself it's the last time. But it never is. 

And even now that she's going to ruin everything for me and I'll let her, I can't help but wonder if this truly will be the end. For some reason I can't see myself letting her go this easily. Even when it is her that's trying to cut all ties. Even now when she's ripping me apart, I doubt I'll even notice. I do it to myself every singe day. Maybe if I could explain to her that she's hurting me she wouldn't tear me down, but I doubt it. I can't even face her. Im so afraid to be with her, but I'm so afraid to be alone. I'm so fucking afraid. 

I can't sit still. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't close my eyes. I'm stuck. I'm so stuck. I'm so frustrated. God I want to disappear. Has anyone else felt like that? Just thinking about the pain she causes me makes my body shiver in fear. I'm so hopelessly devoted to her yet I'll never be able to have her. My hands tremble with want. My heart trembles in pain. My mind trembles in fear. I'm stuck. 

And I'm afraid. 

I'm afraid of what I'll do when she kills me. I'm afraid it actually might.