Dreams Of A Failure

Dread

There she was in all of her wonderful beauty. As usual, she immediately took my breath away. Her eyes were blue and reflected the sun off the ocean water. It was illuminating in yet suffocating. I knew what I had to do before I saw her but now, I'm not sure I can do it. I have to tell her that I love her and in more than a friendly way. And I would beg her to hate me, even though I probably won't have to ask very much. I doubt we'll ever be normal again after this. How could we? What even is normal? It feels like I've always been chasing her heart while she's always been unknowingly breaking mine.

I decided to do it after school one day when we're supposed to be getting ready for some party she wanted to go to. I figured if I told her and she hates me, at least she would go off and have a great night to forget all about what I did. And she can go on pretending like she didn't know me for the rest of her life. And I can go on miserable for however long as I can go without anyone to distract me from my inevitable demise.

Have you ever felt something for someone, and you think it's such a good thing, but then everything they do hurts you? Is it love? I highly doubt that. There's no way in hell love makes you feel like every bone in your body is aching and every cell is set on fire and your heart picks up speed and thumps painfully in your chest. That cannot be love. I want to feel true love and I just wish someone could love me back. I guess it's kind of a joke because I'm so young but I felt this way for so long and everyone thinks because of my age I don't know what love is.

I hope they're right.