Dreams Of A Failure

Redemption

The sorrow always comes when you least expect it: on beautiful days with the ones you love, under beautiful night sky's with the stars guiding your way, but especially when you are alone and the lights are off and you're permitted to just be yourself. That's when it hits the hardest.
Alone.
It's a way for the universe to show how real everything is. Being alone doesn't necessarily also mean you're sad but it does allow for some self reflection, which most people avoid for good reason. Most people live in doubt and fear, myself included, so some good one-on-one really highlights the fear of loneliness; the fear of being alone.
So we try not to be alone. That's what I've decided to do. I'm tired of being stuck waiting for someone to love me back who never well. I know who she is and I know who I am. We're not compatible. Eventually I'm going to tell her or I'm going to have to move on.
Although right now I can't decide which one is worse. I could speak and it would kill her, or I can hold it in, and it would kill me. And maybe if I were to die, metaphorically of course, she can move on and find the love that she deserves, not that stupid boy toy she's obsessed with, and not the lonely gay girl that cannot stop pining after her. If I were to be dead to her, if she cut me out and I ceased to exist in her eyes, maybe that's the death I deserve. I've never been overly suicidal, but in this case my death is the only way to ensure my survival.

I just wish falling out of love was easy. It feels like there's never been a time without her eyes lighting up my world. I've never known peace without her presence. I've never felt truly loved, and still haven't I guess. I just need to stop thinking about her like that. Maybe I can find some nice boy to settle down with and I can just be the girl everyone assumes I am. It's going to hurt like hell, but I have to do it. I have to break my own heart to spare hers. I would gladly burn out my light so she could be the only star shining. And that's what I have to stop feeling. I can't think like that.

How can removing love even pretend to be a simple procedure? I'd like to know. She's like a cancer I have to cut out in order to survive, only this time I'm the one dying and she's going to thrive. She has to. Because although I say I'm going to forget her, I know in my heart, that even if I have to die, my love for her never will.