To The Only Boy I've Loved Before

Only a Crush

Lauren Lopez had a crush. It was only a crush, it wasn't like she was in love with Joey Richter or anything. She might have written a love letter to him, but that didn't mean anything. It was just her way of venting her feelings so that she didn't accidentally blurt out that she kind of liked him to his face. In fact, the more she got to know him, the more her slight feelings for him were fading away, leaving simple friendship in their place.

She was in one of the classes they had together at U of M talking to him. She had a hand on his arm to steady herself as she laughed at something he had said when a girl she vaguely recognised from some of her classes tapped her on the shoulder.

The girl shot a dazzling smile at Joey and waved, to which he nodded awkwardly, and then she turned back to Lauren.

"Lauren, right?" Lauren nodded, rapidly trying to place her. Oh, that was right. Melissa. She'd had something against Lauren since they first met, for some reason, and never spoke a word to her. So what did she want now?

"Cute boots," she said, looking at the combat boots Lauren was wearing. Lauren opened her mouth to thank her, wondering if she was finally willing to be amicable. But then came a sarcastic "Thank you so much for your service."

Lauren scowled at her. "What's your problem with me?"

"I don't have a problem with you," she said with an innocent smile.

"Yeah, well your attitude says otherwise."

Melissa tossed her long dark hair over her shoulder. "Look, I only came over here to speak to Joey. So if you don't mind..."

Joey shot her an apologetic look, and Lauren spun on her heel and stalked over to her friends on the other side of the room, pushing down her growing hatred for Melissa. It wasn't in Lauren's nature to hate people, but this girl was really pushing her limits.

When she got back to the apartment she shared with Julia and Jaime that afternoon, she went straight to her room and took out a small blue box hidden among piles of books on her bookshelf. She sat at her desk and opened it, taking out the contents. Two letters, handwritten. They were both addressed, but she had absolutely no intention of sending either of them. 

The first was addressed to Darren, a boy she met in her first year at Michigan, two years before she met Joey. She'd crushed on him but never told him, and then when he started dating another girl in their class she'd written a letter about her feelings for him. 

Dear Darren, I lie awake at night and imagine running my fingers through your hair, feeling your strong arms around me.

She folded up the letter and shoved it back in the envelope, feeling waves of embarrassment at even the mere thought of Darren ever reading that letter. She didn't feel like that anymore, obviously. They were good friends now, and she cringed remembering the way she used to feel towards him.

The second letter was written more recently. She didn't need to read that one. It was addressed to Joey Richter, the boy that she had a small but very manageable crush on. She sighed, thinking about the way he'd acted today. She knew she had no right to stop him from talking to Melissa, but it hurt knowing that he was friends with her when she was nothing but horrible to Lauren.

"Lauren!" came Julia's voice. "Clear your baking shit off the kitchen counter so I can cook."

Lauren shoved the letters back into the box and went to tidy her stuff away, grateful for the distraction. 

The three of them, Jaime, Lauren and Julia, were all sat on the couch together after dinner, eating brownies that Lauren had made and watching The Golden Girls.

"Don't you find this kind of depressing?" Jaime said suddenly, and Lauren turned, surprised to find Jaime looking directly at her.

"What?" she asked.

"That we're sat here stuffing our faces with brownies - which, by the way, are delicious, thank you so much - watching The Golden Girls on a Friday night, when we could be out at a party or something."

"No. I love The Golden Girls," Lauren said defensively. "Besides, you guys could go out if you wanted to," Lauren said with a shrug, turning back to the show.

Julia sighed and hit pause on the remote.

"Lauren, I went out last night. And I'm going out tomorrow night."

"And I turned down a date to stay in and keep you company," Jaime said.

"But as far as I know, you have no plans this weekend. And you didn't have any plans the weekend before that. Or the weekend before that. Or-" said Julia.

"Okay, okay, I get it Jules. But it's not that depressing." She grabbed the remote from Julia and pressed play, trying to ignore her friends' eyes on her. She didn't want to have this conversation.

"Aren't there even any boys that you like?" Jaime pressed.

"No," Lauren told her automatically, and she was surprised to find that it was actually true. The realisation dawned on her that her crush on Joey had completely vanished. She was just grateful to be his friend. And she was truly happy with that. 

"Okay then," Jaime said, unconvinced, and they didn't bring up the topic again for the rest of the night.