To The Only Boy I've Loved Before

Confessions

Lauren was still sat outside when she heard the door click open. The sound of footsteps got closer and closer until a gentle hand laid itself on her shoulder.

"Come inside Lauren," Julia said softly.

Lauren curled tighter into herself.

"Come on, come and talk to me about it," Julia insisted, walking around in front of Lauren and taking hold of her hands to pull her to her feet. Lauren resisted at first, but then let herself be helped up.

She followed Julia inside numbly and sat down on the couch, Julia sitting next to her and pulling Lauren towards her.

"So what's going on?" Julia asked, stroking Lauren's hair.

Lauren sighed deeply. 

"Are you sure you want to hear it? You might hate me," Lauren muttered.

"I couldn't hate you," Julia assured her.

"Joey and I have been fake dating this whole time. Well, almost this whole time. Maybe. I don't know what happened-"

"Lauren, breathe. Just start from the beginning."

She took a deep breath and began again.

"I wrote love letters to Darren and Joey, which is ridiculous, I know. But they got sent somehow, I have no idea how, so they both found out. I could tell Darren had feelings for me but I don't like him anymore, and it freaked me out, so when he tried to talk to me I kissed Joey. And then he suggested we pretend to date. And I agreed."

Saying it out loud she realised that none of it made any sense. She could almost sense Julia's eyebrows raising higher with every sentence she spoke, but she couldn't stop now.

"So we were pretending to be together and I realised that I liked him. Not even just a crush liked him, actually liked him. But I'd already agreed to go on the ski trip with him and I tried to back out but I ended up going and Meredith convinced me that he liked me back so I went to find him. And we kissed. And it felt so real, Jules."

She paused, willing herself not to cry.

"But then the girl who's been after him this whole time, Melissa, said that he had slept in her room and I don't want to believe it but I just, I don't know what to think."

She pulled the contract out of her pocket - she'd been carrying it on her for months - and ripped it into shreds. Then she pulled a pillow over her head to try and hide from everything.

"I was so stupid," she mumbled incoherently.

"Hey, it's okay. Gimme the pillow," Julia said, tugging it away so she could see Lauren's face.

"Why didn't you tell me all of this before?" Julia asked her.

"Because I was lying to every single person in my life but I knew I wouldn't be able to lie to you," Lauren told her in tears.

"Oh, honey," Julia said, pulling her into a hug.

"I thought you didn't need me anymore," Julia confessed, now in tears too at the sight of Lauren crying.

"Are you kidding me?" Lauren said, sitting up. "Look what happened when I didn't come to you for advice. I accidentally fell for Joey but I screwed it up and now Darren hates me too."

"Come here," Julia said, holding out her arms again. Lauren couldn't remember the last time she'd needed so many hugs. 

She spotted Jaime over Julia's shoulder, lurking on the stairs.

"How long have you been standing there?" Lauren asked.

"Not long." Then, after a moment, "Okay, long."

Julia held out an arm for Jaime to join the hug.

"No more secrets between us, okay?" she said.

Jaime took a deep breath. "But - I have a secret too," she said fearfully.

Julia and Lauren both turned to her expectantly.

"I sent the letters," she said, squeezing her eyes closed in anticipation of their reaction.

"I am going to kill you," Lauren enunciated slowly.

Jaime jumped up as Lauren lunged at her.

"You were so lonely and I could tell that Joey liked you and I knew you weren't going to do anything about it," Jaime said hurriedly over Lauren's cries of frustration and Julia trying to calm her down.

"So you sent Darren his letter too? Where was the point in that?" Lauren shrieked.

"I thought the more chances at a boyfriend the better!" Jaime justified.

"Oh my god!"

Jaime managed to shut herself in the bathroom, and Julia grabbed a hold of Lauren to stop her going after the other girl.

"Look, her logic was off, okay," Julia admitted, "but her heart was in the right place."

"Her face is about to be in the wrong place!" Lauren shouted, struggling to break free from Julia's restraining hold.

"Listen, Lauren, before you murder Jaime, can I just ask you a question?"

She stopped struggling and Julia let go of her. She folded her arms across her chest stubbornly.

"If you really, truly didn't want those letters to be sent, then why did you address them?"

Lauren spluttered. "It's not like I added a stamp," she said pathetically. She looked at the floor, realising that maybe Julia was right. Deep down, maybe she had wanted the boys to know how she felt. She was just too scared to tell them herself.

"Can you maybe just admit that some small part of you wanted them to find out?"

"Maybe," she mumbled childishly. Of course Julia was right. She could kick herself for not just talking to her sooner, and maybe then this whole mess could have been avoided.

Julia nodded triumphantly.

"Well, if I can forgive you for not telling me about any of this, then you can forgive Jaime for causing it," she said.

At that Jaime came cautiously out of the bathroom.

"You're taking my house cleaning duties for the rest of the semester," Lauren said, shooting daggers at Jaime.

But then she pulled her friend into a tight hug, most of the weight lifted off her shoulders now that she wasn't keeping any secrets from them.