To The Only Boy I've Loved Before

Hurting

"Lauren! It's for you!" Jaime shouted.

Lauren went to the door, dismayed to see Darren pacing on the doorstep.

"Hey, can we talk now?" he asked anxiously.

Reluctantly she joined him outside, not wanting her roommates to overhear this conversation.

"I can't believe you're dating Joey," he said accusingly as soon as she pulled the door to behind her.

"Why?" she asked, confused. She hadn't been expecting the conversation to take this direction. "Is it so unbelievable that Joey could like me?"

"No! But he's my best friend. I just- I don't get it."

"I didn't choose this," Lauren sighed, leaning against the wall.

"Okay," Darren replied, the disbelief in his voice painfully clear. Lauren didn't want to hurt him like this, but what was she supposed to do?

"Okay, well great, if that was the reason you came over to talk to me then-"

"No, wait, I-" Darren rubbed a hand over his forehead as she turned back round to him.

"Look..." Lauren could see him struggling to speak. "Did you mean what you wrote in that letter?"

Lauren opened her mouth, and then closed it again. Now she was the one who couldn't get the words out.

"I don't know, okay, it was a long time ago," she evaded, folding her arms across her chest.

"Well, not for me, alright?" Darren said, annoyed. "This is all new, so like, I'm just trying to understand here, Lauren."

"There's nothing to understand," she said, wanting to scream at him but managing to stay calm. "Look, it was a mistake, you should never have seen it."

"Well, I did see it, alright, so what am I supposed to do?"

She threw her hands up and shook her head helplessly. "I'm sorry, I-" She turned away again to go inside.

"I like you, Lauren."

She stopped in her tracks. This was exactly what she had been afraid of.

"I know, Darren, and I'm sorry I can't reciprocate that, but that's why I don't think we should talk anymore."

"That's it? You're dating Joey and he won't talk to me now, and we can't even be friends anymore?"

"Darren, I don't know how to be friends with you like this!" she exclaimed. "And we can't just go back to how it was before."

"If I'd have known I was going to lose both of you like this I wouldn't-"

"Stop," she begged him. "Don't finish that sentence."

"You can't just ignore me!" he shouted as she backed away inside.

"We can't, we can't talk, I'm sorry," she spoke over him, shaking her head, and shut the door on him.

She slumped down on the couch with her eyes closed, wishing they could just go back to being friends. She wished she'd never agreed to fake date Joey. It was becoming easier and easier to go along with it, but she was hurting everyone around her. She felt like she should cry but the tears wouldn't come, there was just a dull ache.

Not knowing what else to do, she went to Joey's house. 

She regretted her decision as soon as she knocked on her door, realising that she was going to look like an idiot and she should have at least texted him to ask if she could come over. 

But he opened the door and grinned when he saw her.

"Can I come in?" she asked hopefully.

He moved aside to let her past him, and she sat down on his couch.

"What's up?" he asked, flopping down beside her.

She took a deep breath, and realised the tears that had been nowhere to be seen earlier on were now threatening to spill over in front of Joey. Great.

"Can we just, not talk. For a while," she said through gritted teeth, squeezing her eyes shut.

Joey seemed to understand. He put a movie on the TV and put his arm over the back of the couch, close enough to reassure her but not too close to invade her personal space if she didn't want him to.

She was touched by his thoughtfulness, and only hesitated a second before leaning into him. He wrapped his arm around her fully and she allowed herself to cry into his chest for a few minutes. Then she sat up, wiping her cheeks and looking directly at him.

"I know you don't want to talk about Darren. But I think I need to," she told him.

He nodded encouragingly at her.

"He came over today. And he asked me if I meant what I wrote in the letter. And he told me that he has feelings for me. Which I knew, obviously, but at least before I could pretend to be oblivious. But now I have to face him and I've got no choice but to lie to him and let him believe that we actually are together and I hate hurting him like this but I can't make myself like him like that and I just don't know what to do anymore," she rambled, out of breath by the end of it.

She watched him pondering what she had said.

"Did you explain to him that you just don't feel the same way?" he asked.

She nodded.

"Then you just gotta let him come to terms with it, Lo. He'll get over it eventually. He knows that you don't like him, and he'll come to accept it."

"How do you know?"

"Because I liked a girl. And she was all I could think about. But I never really got over it, because she never realised I liked her. Which is my fault really, I never told her how I felt. And I knew she didn't like me back, but the reason I never got over her was because there was still that chance, you know?" he said, looking directly into her eyes.

Lauren looked away. "I hope you're right."

Joey mumbled something and went into the kitchen, so Lauren followed, pushing herself up onto the counter.

"Thank you," she said softly, watching him load plates into the dishwasher.

He turned around to her.

"For listening to me," she continued. "It's nice to have someone to talk to about this. You're a good listener."

"Yeah?" he asked with a smirk.

"Mmhm."

"Why thank you." And then, suddenly serious, he said "You are too."

"Thanks," she replied softly.

"You're welcome," he practically whispered.

He had gradually moved closer to her while they were talking, until he was practically pressed against her legs. Abruptly he turned away and carried on loading the dishwasher.

"I should get going," she said reluctantly.

"Yeah, of course. I'll see you tomorrow," he said, walking her to the door.

"See you."

 As she walked back to her apartment, she tried not to think about what it meant that he didn't offer her a lift home.