To The Only Boy I've Loved Before

Love Letters

Lauren invited Darren over the next day (with only some prompting from Julia), feeling bad about everything that had happened and wanting to apologise. She didn't know if they would be able to salvage their friendship, but it was worth a shot.

"Hey, thanks for coming over," she told him as they sat at the dining table.

"Of course," he replied, with an almost genuine smile.

"I feel like I owe you an explanation," Lauren said, sighing deeply. "You see, you were the first boy that I ever thought I loved. But I guess I didn't really realise that that was how I felt until you got with some other girl. And then over time, the feelings just sort of, faded away. And I missed my best friend. And then I realised that it wasn't love. It was never love."

"Why didn't you just tell me that?" Darren asked exasperatedly. "I feel like I would have understood."

"Well, I couldn't. I didn't know. Until - until Joey." A thoughtful expression came over Lauren's face, because she fully realised in that moment something that she'd been trying to suppress for some time now. The revelation that Joey was the only boy she had loved before.

"Right. Joey." Darren said bitterly.

"What I felt for Joey was real in a different way."

Darren shifted uncomfortably in his seat, clearly wishing they were talking about anything else.

"I'm really sorry," she whispered.

"No reason to be sorry," he told her, and when he smiled at her it was a genuine smile this time.

"I know you don't like it," she said.

"No. I don't. But he was my best friend. And you made him happy."

Lauren nodded, smiling at him, and then her face turned into a frown at the reminder that she wasn't making Joey happy anymore.

"Darren, can I ask you something?" she blurted.

"Sure," he said.

"Do you think that Joey liked me?"

Darren sighed, and then nodded his head.

"He never told me," he explained. "But I saw how his eyes would glaze over when I would talk to him, and then I'd follow his gaze and look over to see that he was staring at you. Or I'd try and set him up with girls but he'd turn them all down without a second thought and he'd never tell me why."

"It's just, there's this girl. Melissa. And she said Joey slept in her room when we were away on the ski trip, and I don't know whether or not to believe it."

"Bullshit," Darren told her almost aggressively, and Lauren started. "I know Melissa, and I wouldn't trust a thing she says. And, more importantly, I know Joey," he said, looking at her sincerely. "And that's not Joey. He's head over heels for you Lauren. Only you. I can promise you that."

Lauren couldn't help but smile. Even if she didn't fully believe that he felt that strongly for her, she was comforted by the reassurance that Joey hadn't actually left her that night.

"Do you miss him?" Darren asked gently.

She nodded her head imperceptibly.

"Look, if you miss him, then why don't you just tell him?" he asked.

"I can't," she said painfully.

"And why's that?"

She hesitated, never having revealed so much of her insecurity to anyone before. But she'd told Darren this much already. And she owed it to him to keep being honest.

"Because if it wasn't real then I didn't lose anyone." She paused, hating being this vulnerable. "But, if I say that it was real, and he still doesn't want me-"

"Then at least you'll know," Darren interrupted. "Lauren, you gotta tell people how you feel when you feel it. And I know you don't believe me, but he feels the same about you. But you need to make the move now. You can't just keep sitting in your room writing love letters."

"I am tired of writing love letters," she told him. "It would just be nice to be the one receiving them."

Jaime walked into the room at that moment, holding out a box. Lauren's blue box.

"Lauren, I have something for you," she said.

"Were you eavesdropping again?" Lauren asked, outraged.

Jaime smiled guiltily. "Don't kill me. It's just, you were always throwing these away. And I thought they were something you should keep."

Lauren opened the box, to find dozens of notes from Joey that had accumulated over the past few months.

"You saved all these?" she asked in wonder, as Jaime smiled proudly at her.

Lauren opened one. 'Lo, it's so cool how easily we can talk about anything'. And another. 'Everyone was proud of your monologue today, but especially me'. And another. 'You looked so pretty today.' She flushed. Darren, who had been reading the notes across the table, grinned at her.

She cursed herself for not bothering to look at these at the time. She would have sat there all day reading the notes he'd written, but told herself that the next one was the last one.

'I love the way you laugh. I love the way your mouth goes wide and you close your eyes and tip back your head. I wish I was the one making you laugh more often.'

Lauren dropped her head to the table. She'd been such an idiot.

"You still think you haven't gotten a love letter?" Darren asked.

Lauren raised her head and smiled at him. Because she knew exactly what she had to do.

It was time for one last love letter.