More Than That

Chapter 1: Diagnosed

  Ian hurt so bad after the wedding. He felt like his heart had physically broken and there was a constant pain in his chest. Of course he knew that Mickey probably had to do that to stop his dad from killing him but still... it was the fists connecting with his body outside their abandoned building. He had really thought that maybe Mickey had loved him but now he knew that he really was just a warm mouth to the older boy.

  Didn't matter though, he was seventeen which meant it was a year until he graduated and could get out of the south side. He was struggling with his school work though, he really didn't think that he would get into Westpoint. Didn't matter he had excepted that long ago, he was nothing when stood next to Lip. He was the average Gallagher that was all. Didn't stop him from throwing himself into his work however, it was a great distraction from his broken heart and how much he missed Mickey as he hadn't seen the guy since his wedding to that whore.

 He tried to be quiet, keep his head down and keep up with ROTC. Lip didn't seem to notice anything wrong after Ian told him that he was over it the day after. To be fair to him he was wrapped up in Mandy and Karen as well as colleges and big choices for the future. Fiona was having a Jimmy-Steve crisis. Not that he needed them really, he could get over this on his own. It was just a stupid crush.

  Not a crush. You love him.

  "God shut up," Ian muttered to himself as he made his way back from the Kash and Grab.

  It had been a month and he was still just not feeling normal. He hardly felt the need to eat anymore, regularly forgetting and just not feeling the hunger as he should. He also struggled to sleep, he was just so full of energy. And occasionally- and very randomly- he was happy, he would see something random and it was just so fantastic. He had taken to early morning runs just so that he could see the sunrise and little things like the leaves turning brown on the trees was more thrilling. Then the next day he felt worthless.

  At first he had thought it was just him being stupidly over emotional. Then he couldn't help but think of Monica. It was when Lip said something in the kitchen one morning and it wasn't really all that funny but he had laughed hard. She had been like that sometimes, she talked fast and had the most random ideas. Just like him these days...

  It had started because every time he stepped into Kash and Grab he saw Mickey. Everywhere. It had just become too much and he had had to leave. But he couldn't until he had a new job and that was how he had started at the White Swallow. He had been there only a few times in the last month as a single guy- not that he had really ever been dating Mickey anyway. Then he had been approached by one guy who said he was hot enough to work there an he had got the idea.

  Not that his family knew or noticed that he was now gone most of the night. He swore to himself to that he would only work behind the bar in that stupid sparkly, revealing uniform. It was a good job that he had always kept in shape, it get him tips even though he wasn't a dancer. Then of course his boss persuaded him to start dancing and he moved to the Fairytale. All in the space of a month.

  When he started doing the dancing he got better tips but he found it so hard to have the old guys pawing at him. Then the first guy gave him that pill and it was just so much easier. That was why when he started to lose energy and felt more worthless than ever. He started to lose interest in everyday activities he knew what this was. This was the start of a depressive episode... after a manic one.

  The night that he realised that he started to think about all the other weird little mannerisms he had picked up recently and God did he hope that he was wrong about what it was. He couldn't sleep that night as he decided what he was going to do. If he did have... bipolar, if he did then he didn't want to be like Monica ever. 

  That decision drove him to the hospital the next day where he checked himself in. Ian stayed in that place for three days and when he came out the other side he had his diagnosis. He was bipolar but he had his pills and he could control this, stay on top of this. He could keep it hidden? Yes he could. The only thing that would happen if his family knew would be that they would look at him like he was Monica. They wouldn't trust him.

  He made that decision as he hopped off of the El and made his way down the run down south side streets to his home. It felt so strange to be out of the hospital, those three days had felt a hell of a lot longer than that. The noises of the city that had been comforting before but now that he knew what he was...

  The worthlessness suddenly became a bit too much. His psychiatrist had been wary at the lack of people that had come to meet him but he had assured her that he had a large and supportive family. She had said that it would be very difficult for him to do this alone. But he was going to have to do it alone. His life as he knew it was over. He wouldn't be able to get into the army now no matter how well he did in school or where he could get placed they would never take him. He'd never have anyone to love him, he was truly worthless now.

  It came over him suddenly and he found he couldn't continue on his way and swerved off into an alley before crumpling down to the floor against the damp brick wall. The smell of urine and rubbish was all around him, the roar of city life and it was just too much. His sobs were ugly and he couldn't stop, he felt like his chest was tightening. He knew what it was, he'd had panic attacks before.

  Eventually after about fifteen minutes of being curled in the alley he was able to get his breathing under control and stand up. His legs were weak and like jelly but he stumbled back onto the streets and brushed his jeans off before continuing home.

  Once he got there he entered the house and received an absent "hi" from Fiona before he jogged on up the stairs to change out of his now damp clothes. Just as he came back out of their room he ran into Lip. His brother looked up at him from his phone curiously, a cigarette hanging between his lips.

  "Were have you been?" he asked.

  "Just needed time to think."

  "Alright."

  Really Ian hadn't expected anything more.