Octopus Lips

Violets and Demons

           

     I haven't been able to get her face out of my head for two weeks now. I see her almost every day, and that's not helping in the slightest. I'm not sure I want to stop this. It feels good, liking someone. I like liking her.

     "Hey Gwen? Earth to Gwen?" Johnny snapped his fingers in front of my face.

     "Huwha?" My hand slapped down on the table, I glanced at the faces of my equally confused and significantly less startled friends. 

     "You were zoning out, what's going on in your noggin, B?" Chase leaned towards me on her elbows.

     "Oh nothing. I've just been thinking... about someone." I sighed.

     Rosie was out today, she had a violin recital. Chase and Ramon's jaw dropped. Johnny looked unimpressed, per usual. If he was anything other then prickly when confronted with emotions I would be impressed.

     "Already?" His nose twisted up in disapproval.

     Chase slapped his shoulder. "It's been like, months babe. If she's up and ready we're going to support her. Who's the boy hun?"

     I smiled and tucked a strand of pink hair behind my ear. "Ah well, not exactly."

     I saw Ramon's eyes flicked up to my face and he blinked rapidly in surprise. "Wait, is it... who I think it is?"

     I grinned and nodded slowly, Ramon smiled and gasped, his face lighting up like a chandelier. I wouldn't be surprised if Rosie told him, the two of them were the only gays in our friend group, until now of course. Now I was falling through tunnels of roses and violets and getting those sweet and fuzzy teenage crush hangovers. I was waking up with the smell of cookies in my dreams and pink sunset clouds under my feet. I was actually happy.

     Chase turned on Ramon like a shark. "Who? What're you two talking about?"

     Ramon glanced to me, nonverbally asking if was okay to tell her, I nodded. "She's talking about Rosie."

     Chase's jaw dropped and she whipped back around towards me. "Soulmates?"

     "Yep." I pressed my hands against my warm cheeks.

      Chase enthusiastically slapped her palms against the table. "Gwen! Oh my God! Congratulations."

     "Yeah, don't mention it to her though, I'm not sure if she knows." I bit my lip, Rosie's words running through my mind, she's way too good for me. "I'm not quite ready to take that step yet. I'm just... content with knowing."

     Johnny leaned back, his dark hair falling in from of his eyes like he was part of an early 2000's punk rock band. "Yeah... congratulations."

      It was simple, quiet, and genuine, like the bubbling of a small brook falling gently into the dark, much greener river water. I smiled gently at him, letting him know I was proud of him. Johnny let out a huff and looked away, folding his arms. One day, Laurens, one day.

     Chase's face suddenly fell and twisted up into disgust. "Oh, no he did not."

     I frowned and followed her gaze across the room to the corner where my heart sunk. Gordon was leaning against a wall with one leg resting against it. There was a girl leaning against his chest in a way that suggested she was trying to make as much physical contact as possible. My mouth twitched as he spotted me staring at him. His face darkened, then he covered it up with a smirk slicker than oil as he hugged his girl in close then over her shoulder so she couldn't see, blew a kiss to another girl standing nearby. She had been staring at him as well, and blew his kiss back to him.

     I felt sick.

     I looked away and stared at my feet, a dizzy spiraling feeling overtaking me. Chase's fingers, with her ocean-colored acrylic nails, curled inward into a fist. I didn't want to look at anyone's faces but I could only guess they felt the same as I did.

     "He got kicked off the football team last week." Ramon mentioned, his voice was quiet.

     "Oh yeah, made a huge deal of it too." Johnny scoffed. "He insulted as all and ended up yelling at coach, which is something not even I would do."

     "He's just trying to manipulate you into giving him attention, Gwen. It's pathetic." Chase's voice was a hiss.

     I was done crying over him, but that didn't mean his gaze didn't reopen my only partially healed wound. It hurt, like my sternum was on fire and made out of ice at the same time. Ramon laid a hand on my shoulder and patted me gently, Chase took one of my hands. Johnny moved a few inches closer to me, wowser, I was special.

     "Thanks guys," I looked up at them, then threw Chase a pointed look. "I'll be okay, besides, I'm a heart breaker, not heartbroken."

     Her lips spread into a coy smile and she punched me lightly in the shoulder.  "That's my girl."

     The afternoon was hot that day, as spring started to roll in. Gordon's still dating more then one girl and I couldn't figure out how to feel about one. My pencil tapped against the desk in my room, I was trying to do chemistry but I couldn't stop thinking about violet flowers. Bright purple flowers, tucked into Rosie's dark, crimped curls. She used to straighten her hair for year when she was younger, then decided she wanted to embrace natural hair and she's had it that way ever since. I always liked it, even more when I realized how much work it was.

     There was a fan blowing different loose object all around my room. I leaned back from my paper and felt it blow cool air over me. I wish this was easier to figure out. Even better, I wish I could just fight my feelings until they gave up and started making sense. I could taste the roar of adolescence in the back of my mind, it was a sweaty, desperate sensation. It was fill of violets and rushed decisions, full of young love and stupid mistakes.

     Maybe I didn't need to care about love, not yet. We were all standing on the cliff of adulthood and at the front of most of our minds was getting a date, not climbing down safely. It takes a lot of courage to throw yourself off something like that, or a lot of stupid. I wondered if I had waited with Gordon, maybe things would have turned out okay. Maybe if I had talked to him more instead of brushing things off as "that's just how Gordon is". Sometimes he worried me, I thought that was normal.

     Maybe I was too young. I felt young. I wasn't used to making decisions that would sacrifice my own happiness. I just assumed I would always be happy, and now I wasn't. I wonder if I could change that. There's got to be something wrong that I can invite down to the boxing ring and chew up until it surrendered.

     I haven't told my parents about Rosie yet. I haven't even begun to put together how that would go. I don't expect malice from them. I think they would be fine with it, I just... I don't know what to do about Rosie.

     I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to be closer with her. I wanted that connection with her that Gordon and I started to lack for whatever reason. Most importantly, I don't want to force it. If this is my second chance, I'm going to be so much more careful this time. I'm going to pay attention to her and make sure she's okay and be mature about it. I will take her demons by the neck and strangle them until they are no longer breathing. I am willing to do that for Rosalie Jenkins.

     I just want to know she'll do that for me too.