What A Lie Looks Like | ✓

1.31: sephine

I have no idea what I'm doing. The last time I was this desperate for a high was at Bayard, and I don't have anything hidden.

I shut my phone off after it started ringing with calls from multiple people; ignoring them wasn't working because people kept calling, so the only solution was to turn it off completely.

I'm freezing because I didn't think to grab my jacket, but I guess I'm not thinking at all right now. My legs are pressed together as I sit on the icy metal bleachers looking at the open lacrosse field.

I'm not sure what I'm doing here, but the cold is somewhat distracting me from thinking about the drugs I flushed down the toilet. It'd be easy to call Dylan and ask to replace the pills, but every time I move my trembling hands, I can't bring myself to turn the phone back on and make the phone call.

A surprisingly unfrozen tear rolls down my cheek and lands on my hand. Hayes looked at me the same way that Jess, Xander, and Shaun did. But they should think of me as a cheater until Ollie's ready.

It all just spiraled out of control way too fast the same way it has here. What if it screws up Mom's career now that everyone knows? Mom's lawyers made Bayard's staff sign non-disclosures, but it was always expected that no one would find out here, and I'd be off in Europe this summer before anyone could figure out why I came here in the first place. I guess we just didn't take Tessa into consideration.

I have no idea how I'm going to tell Mom any of this because it could affect her approval ratings, and it could cause any of the companies interested in me to drop interest. No one wants a druggie as a ballet dancer even if they've been clean for ten months; it's bad publicity.

The wind is mussing my hair, but I could care less; I already feel like a mess, so I might as well look the part.

Looking out onto the lacrosse field, I can almost picture four months ago when things were easier. Hayes would take his helmet off for a short moment to wink at me from the field, and I'd laugh while Liv tried to figure out what I was laughing at. It was easier.

But I guess everything's easier when no one knows the truth.

*********

I'd lost track of how long I've been sitting here. I can't feel any part of my body, but I don't move from my spot because I'm too entranced watching two little boys kick a soccer ball back and forth on the field. They're bundled up from head to toe with two mothers watching them play from nearby.

I can hear faint traces of their laughter from here, and I envy them. Life is simple for them, and they have no idea how wrong everything can turn in the blink of an eye.

I'm startled from focusing on the little boys when the bleachers shake from Liv running up them. "Oh my god, I've looked everywhere for you!" She cries out, and I shrug, not saying anything. "Are you okay?" Her eyes roam over my face, but then she facepalms, "Never mind, stupid question."

My mouth quirks upward in the slightest of smiles as she hugs me.

"You're freezing!" Liv pulls away quickly and starts taking her jacket off. "How long have you been here?"

I stay mute by replying with a shrug, and she sighs, wrapping her jacket around my shoulders. The warmth hits me like a truck, and my body shivers, reacting to the cold wind that blows towards us.

"Just let me call Hayes quick and tell him that I found you."

"No, don't." My voice is raspy because of all the crying I did, and she looks up from her phone at me in surprise.