I dated twins...

The end...or beginning?

we all have those dreams. the ones where we fall and we don't know what from or where but all we know is that we're falling, you see nobody really knows why we have these dreams but its said that we wake up when we hit the ground because our mind and body cant handle the concept of the after life, that even dying is something it cant comprehend unless it actually happens.

i rememeber reading up on dream psychology after saying goodbye to a loved one through a dream, that was a struggle because no matter how hard you try to stay asleep your body wakes you up when you've said all thats meant to be said, theres no time for small talk its just say what you need to finish with goodbye and wake up, well now i'm awake and this hurts more. the pain is much worse awake when everything is raw and you can actually feel it first hand instead of through your mind.

he was always by my side, my life had been boring and dull up until i met him and here we were on the verge of saying goodbye because i couldnt risk losing them.

once again i have someone elses blood on my hands. how the hell could i live with knowing its my fault he's going to die. they take him off life suppport tomorrow and if he doesnt wake up himself thats that. they'll try and bring him out of his comatose but if they cant thats it. i never imagined having to say goodbye to him, him of all people.

I guess thats just how life is, it gives you good moments with good people only to snatch them away from you to teach you a lesson you really don't understand. so what now? after everything we have been through now its just time to let it all go? how can you let your feelings go? how can you let the memories just be memories? how can you just accept the pain that one day you'll wake up and never see them again, find someone else beside you, find someone you've convinced yourself is just as important but the truth is that theyre not and that you cant move on because no matter what you do that whole that was once small has grown considerably from the moment you thought you had lost them.

i sat beside his bed, his hand in mine as i breathed heavily thinking it would calm me down but i just couldnt. i couldnt stay calm. it was all my fault, he's here because of me. he's here because he had to save me once again. this was one of the hardest things i have ever done, saying goodbye to the person you love the most.

"please wake up" I mumbled his hand pressed against my lips as I felt cold tears spill down my cheeks. "please taron, wake up for me, for us, please wake up! whose going to take the piss out of everything I do? whose going to tell me that I look ugly in the morning but beautiful by lunch time just to piss me off and make me feel better? okay admittedly I hated that one but you know its just who we were together, like that day we went to kancoon and you pretended to propose to keep our cover? I still have the ring" although managing some laughs my heart only broke more as I spoke our moments together. "please taron come back to me! I cant lose you, not you, I cant- I cant" that was it, I became a sobbing ball of mess as the nurse came in with a rather large needle.

"please wake him up!" I say through snot and tears, one of my most attractive qualities that, begging at least thats what he told me. "please I cant lose him!" another nurse came in and tried to calm me down but it wasn't working because as soon as I saw tom everything became even more surreal and everything hurt. it was like someone had taken my chest and broken every bone at once, my breath caught in my throat and I cried even harder. "take her home and put her to bed, this wont be easy, love like that doesn't die when the other half does" the nurse nodded at him and I could see his face sink a little. I knew he cared for me, I knew he was always going to be there just like he promised, but I was starting to not believe him as taron had made me the same promise and I killed him, he wouldn't be in the coma if it wasn't for me.

"I think its best if we stay actually nurse she needs to be with him, she's his wife" he said staring down at the ring. he remembered just as well as I the events that played out that night.

"im sorry" I whispered kissing tarons hand "come back to us, please taron come back to us" I could see tom wipe away tears of his own from the corner of my own. I put my arm around him and let him cry into my shoulder as I held taron's hand. I felt a light squeeze on my hand and quickly turned to him again. "he squeezed my hand!" the nurse looked at me stunned as she watched him do it again. "he's conscious!" she exclaimed happily. "let me just go get the doctor" but as soon as she went to walk she tripped and pulled out the life support plug...