Just Another Diary

raw

I can hear the sobs ripping through my chest, my whole body is shaking as I slump against the familiar walls of this locked room. My mind can't make sense of all this,  is it because I went too far once again or this a test.  I can't comprehend it and that does nothing to ail my sickness.
I'm mourning for the loss of a loved one,  who's still alive. My best friend and my soul mate, my sister who I was never apart from the person o could mindlessly say anything I wanted to.  .my personal human diary who held all my thoughrs and secrets and rambles.  She's gone and I'm trying to find a way to be okay with it ..i can either be okay with it or just keep deluding myself into thinking she's still there and be dissappointed every time.
I wish I was strong enough to be okay right now.. I wish it didn't have to he a whole process that took so much Fucking time. I am mourning the loss of my sister.
Who's alive.
But not the same.
She's no longer my confidante
She's no longer my soul mate
She's no longer my other half.
She's just.. Another person who I can't count on anymore.
And this hurts
It hurts so bad I can't write it I don't have the brains to even write my pain for the first time.  Thags how bad it's hurting.
But I'm hoping after these jagged sentences and incomplete paragraphs finish I might be able to put a lid on these sobs and breathe and be okay.
I hope to God that'll happen.
But then again.. Should I hope to God?  Or have I sinned too much to think there's any hope.
Am I back in my test maze
To see how I'll get out this time?
Has my temporary castle of glass finally shattered?
Has my mirage of a happy place finally dissappeared.
I crave a mother's love you know.. A mother who doesn't hide her emotions and doesn't snub me whenever I try to talk about mine...there I just slowly peeled the band aid from another fresh wound.  off all the time about her job..
I'm sad.
I'm a sad sad person.
right now.
Not forever.
I know I'll be happy
But right now I just want to die
I want these lungs to finally just collapse
My heart to stop beating
I wanna disappear from not only the face if this earth
But also from existence.
But that's not possible.
And what awaits me after death isn't pretty
So here I sit
Crying.
Sobbing.