Just Another Diary

Growing Up

As a person well loved and  surrounded by people who would always be there for me, I never thought I would feel this gaping hole in my heart, this void in my chest. This ache that never seems to stop and only subdues and these endless tears that keep streaming down my face. The person I loved with all my heart changed,  snatching a part of my soul away from me, leaving their scars on my heart yet I recovered.

I still had all the lives that made me more of who I am close to me, I could hear them, I could see them, I could speak to them, but the comfort of being in the same aura as their souls, of breathing the same air as them failed to reach me. The arms that would hug me, the little pranks that would make me laugh, the long walks talking about how weird life was, sipping from the same bottle, eating from the same plate, everything that drew me closer to my friends was still half a world away. 

There comes a moment when all those texts, those phone calls, seem empty, you hesitate before you press that send button and sometimes you just leave it altogether, because no matter how hard you try, that hollow sensation remains, like a dark cloud hovering over you. They tell you this is called 'growing up' and that its something we all have to do. 

I am but a novice at this, the complexity of life amazes me, this whole growing up business, it leaves me startled. Growing up is not about getting a job, getting a degree, buying a house or paying bills.

Its about realizing where your false attachments lie, to detox the heart from all that meddles with your tranquility. Its about accepting that its okay to feel lonely sometimes, to acknowledge change instead of running away from it, to realize we won't always stay the same nor will the people we love, growing up is learning to love despite the alterations.

Growing up is tough and demanding, not a choice but a neccessity, its about learning to mend ourselves without letting those wretched toxins control us, to heal ourselves and emerge stronger rather than choosing to numb ourselves with the bottle or turning to the blades.

Here I am, thousands of miles away from where my heart is, feeling numb and remote as my fingers type these words, tears shed from my eyes every now and then, often the dark cloud overpowers me, sucking my energy, but I remain steadfast in the battlefield, only instead of fighting the change, I am trying to embrace it, to make this jagged hole a part of me that I respect, knowing that one day I will be strong enough to fill it myself without needing anyone else.