Headshrinker

Chapter 8

I stole the pregnancy test. I knew it was stupid stealing from my own friend and flatmate from within our flat but I also knew she was never going to use it. She was done with the assignment, it was submitted, all the papers were gone but the test remained. It was a strange ornament to keep. It just sat there unwanted so what could I do?

Even though I'd had quite a lot of unprotected sex with Guigsy, I didn't think I was pregnant. I didn't know what pregnant felt like, but I didn't feel it. Any of the early symptoms, I didn't think I'd had them. My period didn't exactly follow a regular schedule so I didn't know if I was late but it felt later than usual so I thought I should use the test.

I went in the bathroom and read every last instruction and piece of information the kit had. I followed it to the letter. The wait was the longest two minutes but I decided that meant it wouldn't feel so long the next time since this was just a practice. It was just a dress rehearsal. It didn't matter either way. It was just so I'd know what I was doing next time.

Just one line showed up. I wasn't yet pregnant.

I was angry at myself for taking the test. I was angry at myself for failing it. I was angry at Guigsy because he hadn't gotten me pregnant, yet.

It made me so angry and I didn't even know if we'd have sex again since he wanted us to have a clear line between friends and anything else. I didn't know what to do.

The test got binned and I tried to pretend it never happened so that the anger wouldn't eat at me. I threw out the flowers he'd bought me in anger. I couldn't stand the reminder.

I spotted his jumper on my bed and threw it on the floor by the bin wanting that gone too. I had it from the gig because northern girls don't go out in coats but it was too cold to walk back without something. Since then I'd worn it just about constantly while I was in my room.

The bin was metal so I started staring wondering what it'd be like to set the lot on fire. That'd destroy it, that'd erase him. I almost jumped up in search of a lighter of Debbie's but instead I jumped up and too off out the flat needing to be somewhere different for a while to clear my head.

My period came the next day just to add insult to injury. I felt like I had a sense of what a miscarriage might feel like. I hoped I never, ever knew what it was like for real because I knew I couldn't cope with the pain of it.

I shut myself off from everyone as much as I could for its duration. I went to seminars and lectures but I sat in the corner away from everyone as much as I could and hardly said a word. No one seemed to notice I had failure written across myself in thick red paint.

When it was over, that was when my mind cleared of all its thoughts of failure. I recognised it was a fresh, new start to try again. Claire said she didn't learn about fertility in her classes or in her books but I found a chapter on the cycle. I didn't understand most of it but the diagrams were helpful. It let me work out when I should be trying this month.

It gave me focus that I didn't have before. Last month it was random and I failed. This month it would be orderly and I would succeed that way. I just had to get clever about it.

...

I got a trolley out from the chain of trolleys and spun it around to go into the supermarket, ready to do the shopping when I saw Liam. I hoped we could ignore each other but he was unignorable.

"Knew it was you, Kassie." he smiled.

I smiled back. "Have you been following me?"

"No. I just know what ya look like from the back."

"Oh right." I frowned to myself at how strange that sounded.

"D'you wanna do summat?" he asked vaguely and spontaneously.