Lightning Does Strike Twice

It's Complicated

I thanked God that I only had one class to go to after Cas left. And don't get me wrong, I love biology, but I'd never been happier when the professor let us leave the lab. I really needed to talk to Lisa. About, well... everything.

I expected her to avoid me, or at the very least ignore me, but she was waiting for me on the sofa when I opened the door. Or perhaps she wasn't waiting for me. It looked like she was trying to watch TV but had forgotten to turn it on. Her eyes were hollow as they barely drifted to me, her hand touching the remote as if to pause her imaginary show before it settled back on her leg.

"I think I want to hear your explanation again." Lisa looked back to the dark screen. "I'm ready to hear it now."

So I told her everything. First, just the vague outline of everything; then, every little detail she needed to hear. Her questions stayed emotionless, like an interviewer who didn't want to get invested in someone before they were hired. Lisa remained calm and empirical until she tucked her legs under her and sighed, "Why didn't you just tell me this? This wouldn't have changed if I knew Castiel was alive."

"I think I was trying to convince myself that he was gone again. Not the same kind of gone, but still gone." I pressed my fingers to my temples to alleviate my growing headache. "It was easier to finish mourning him than to lose him all over again."

"Okay, that makes sense." She didn't want to ask her next question, but she did anyways. "Why was he here last night?"

"He needed to tell me something important." I knew that wasn't a good enough answer for her. She needed something that wasn't a hidden, half-truth. She deserved that, at least. "His memories are back."

"He wants you back, doesn't he?"

I let out a small huff, somewhere between a humorless laugh and a sigh. "It's complicated."

"I'm sure it's not. Either he came here to be with you or he didn't."

"He did, but he knows I'm with you. It's just-"

Lisa winced like she already anticipated what I was about to say. But she couldn't have because I surprised myself.

"We kissed this morning." She didn't respond like I thought she would. She only looked ahead silently. "I'm sorry, Lisa."

"You're not sorry that you kissed him," she finally said.

I didn't mention that I wasn't sure who made the first move. It really didn't matter, though. Not anymore. "You're right. But I'm sorry I hurt you."

"But you're not sorry that you kissed him." Lisa finally faced me, tears glistening in her eyes in a way that broke my heart. "That's what matters, Dean. I just don't understand why you're still here. You have Castiel back. Isn't that what you've wanted since you lost him? I don't get why you're not with him right now when we both know that's what you want."

I wiped away the tears falling on her cheeks, surprised that she let me. "I love you, Lisa."

"But you're in love with him. You always will be. I don't want to fight for you when I know I've already lost."

My chest ached every time she said something like that. Lisa was so full of life and energy, but she'd given up. I hated that I was the one who did that to her. I wanted her to be happy. I wanted her to have the life she wanted. And I really wanted to tell her the truth. "I don't know if I want to be with him, Lis."

She scoffed at that. "Yes, you do."

"I mean, I do. But I want to be with you too. And even if I wanted to be with Cas, I don't know if I can. This great place he's in, it might not last. His amnesia can come back, and I can lose him all over again. I don't know if I can do that a third time. That's not to say I'm staying with you because you're the safer choice. I want to be with you because you make me laugh during finals when you tell me stories to get my mind off of calculus. I want to be with you because you make the best French toast I've ever had and don't complain when I'm exhausted from school and make us grilled cheese for the third time that week. I want to be with you because I love laying in bed with you pulled close to me and all that matters is the way you breathe and hold onto me in your sleep. I'm just confused because I was happy, and here comes Cas to make me question everything I shouldn't be questioning. But when it comes down to it, Cas is just too big of a risk." It felt like I'd made up my mind. Then again-

"But you'll take that risk because that's who you are; you'll do anything for the people you love. And you know Cas is who you love more."

That sounded like she was breaking up with me. It felt like Lisa had made up her mind, even if I hadn't. "Are you not going to give me a choice in this? Are you just going to make me leave?"

Lisa shook her head. "No, you can stay if you want, I'd really love it if you'd stay, but need to do what you feel is right. I know you're going to choose him."

"Why?" I had to know how she could be so sure when I was so confused.

"Because it's been three years, and you still wear that necklace, and the only way you could move on was if you acted like he was dead."

Like always, she was right. Maybe she wasn't completely right, though. Just because I took a while to move on didn't mean I want to go back to Cas. Because I'd moved on. Right?

Without thinking, I brought Lisa into a hug. "I need to think about this," I said into her shoulder. "I need to really think this through before I make a decision that will screw up any of our lives."

"I know you do, but you should make your decision quick or we'll both be gone. Cas and I can't wait for you forever."

Lisa was always right, wasn't she?