Lightning Does Strike Twice

I Don't Blame Them

The house was dark when I came back from the lab. We usually kept the light over the kitchen sink on, yet even that one was off. There was only a faint glow coming from our room, just our one lamp lighting up the whole house.

I stayed quiet until I saw that Cas was still awake. He was sitting on the bed, chin propped on his knees while he stared at his feet. His hands were fidgeting around his ankle, but I couldn't see what he was doing.

"Cas?"

He jerked out of his daze, quickly wiping at his red, puffy eyes. "I didn't hear you come in."

"Is everything alright?" I asked as I crossed the room. I sat beside him but didn't reach for him like I wanted.

"I was tired. I just can't sleep."

I knew he was lying. After how weird he was acting earlier, I wasn't about to let this go. "Did you take your medicine?"

"Yeah," he said simply.

"Did you have dinner already?"

"Yeah."

"Did you-"

He finally snapped and turned to me. There was this dead look in his eyes that brought me back to those nights in that basement where Cas had given up all hope. "Dean, I know you're worried, but could we not do this tonight?" Even his voice sounded tired and hopeless. "Could we just act like a normal couple again? Why can't we talk about what I'm writing or how boring your class was or what you had for dinner before you went to the lab? Why can't we kiss like we used to and go to bed curled up next to each other? Why does everything have to be a doctor's appointment with us?"

"I'm just worried about you." I reached out to touch his cheek, but he pushed my hand away.

"I don't want you to be worrying about me. You shouldn't have to worry if I'm going to remember you in the morning. You shouldn't be taking me to doctor's appointments or picking up my prescriptions after a full day of school and work. You shouldn't be taking care of me, Dean!" His eyes started watering. "I don't want you taking care of me," he whispered.

"Where is all of this coming from?" I wanted to bring him into a hug, but he'd already pushed me away. "You can talk to me, Cas."

Then he was crying. He covered his mouth for a second, dropping it to take my hand. "I hate feeling like this."

"What do you mean?"

"Like like a freak or a danger to everyone around me."

Of all things, I wasn't expecting that. "You're not." I let go of his hand to caress his cheek and make sure he was looking at me. "Do you hear me? You are not a freak, and you are not a danger to anyone. You are recovering from something terrible that wasn't your fault, and you shouldn't be blaming yourself for any of it."

Cas closed his eyes and leaned into my hand. "They just look at me like they don't trust me. And I don't blame them; I wouldn't trust me either. After what I did to you, I don't know why you aren't afraid of me like everyone else." When he opened his eyes, it was almost as if he was afraid I would say that I was afraid of him. Like everything that we'd been through in the past eight months had all been a lie.

"Because I love you," I told him, "and I know that nothing that happened back in high school was your fault. I know that it wasn't you that did all those things. I know that he was controlling you. And I know who you really are. Whoever is making you feel bad obviously doesn't know you or the full story." My resolve broke after that, and I pulled him into a hug. I held onto him tighter and tighter until Cas was sitting in my lap with his arms wrapped around my neck. "Who is making you feel like this?"

"Everyone," he mumbled. I waited for an explanation, which came when he let out a sigh and leaned back to talk better. "Everyone in this town knows who I am. They've heard the story and seen this," his hands fell to his ankle, fingers running over his power blocking bracelet, "and they know you."

Taking his hands, I offered him a smile. "We'll find somewhere that no one knows us then."

"I don't think that place exists," he scoffed. "It's hard not to know about the Winchesters' son and his semi-unstable boyfriend who kidnapped him."

"Let's move to France then. I'm sure they've never even heard of us."

He looked at me like I was stupid. "France? Neither of us speak French."

"Then Spain," I suggested with a grin. "We both took Spanish in high school." Cas must have realized that I was joking to lighten the mood because he started to smile too.

"I don't remember anything from those classes, and I don't think that's because of the amnesia."

I nodded solemnly. "Yeah, I don't remember either."

Cas hummed to himself. "How about Canada? Or England? I've always wanted to see debilis London."

"Dollin is supposed to be beautiful in the winter. If not, Scotland or Australia."

That got him to laugh. "I don't think I'd survive in Australia. How about we just throw a dart at the map, then take a portal there?"

"That sounds perfect. When I graduate, we'll do that, and I'll take you wherever fate decides." And I knew we weren't being serious, but I wanted to fulfill my promise. I wanted to make Cas happy however I could, even if that meant packing up and moving halfway across the world.

He looped his arms around me again. "Maybe it'll be Jamaica or the Caribbean." He let out a content sigh at the thought. "Somewhere tropical."

"Whatever you want. Anywhere."

Cas leaned in to bridge the small space between us. Between kisses, I told him, "I love you. I want you to know that."

"I know, and I love you too."

When he kissed me again, I could feel his tension melt away. He needed to laugh again, to know that he would always be the boy I fell for back in our senior year gym class. He would always be the guy who had messy hair and glasses that never fit him right and eyes that could see through you like your mask you put on was never there. He would always be the guy I hit with a dodgeball and spent who knows how long trying to win him over because he was something special. He still was. And if he needed to be reminded of that every day, I would do it. I would be here to tell him that nothing had changed for me and that I loved him even more than I did the day before. Until then, I was more than happy to kiss him and fall asleep with him in my arms.

All Cas wanted was a moment of normal, and I was happy to give it to him.