Lightning Does Strike Twice

You're a Hot Mess

"God, the whole house smells like it's burning," I coughed. "It's almost the worst thing I've ever smelled."

Lisa looked genuinely uncomfortable, but she didn't comment on what I said. I guess she was used to my nihilism around this time of year. That kind of humor was the only thing getting me through the days sometimes.

"If I open another window, I'm not going to be able to feel my toes. It's already too cold in here." Lisa took that as an opportunity to move closer under my blanket.

"I don't have a problem with it." I pulled her into a kiss, feeling her smile into my mouth. "I'm actually pretty comfortable."

She rolled her eyes. "You would be." We lapsed back into an almost silence, the only sound coming from the movie we were supposed to be watching. After a while, Lisa sighed. "Are you though?"

"Uh... What?"

"Are you comfortable?"

I laughed, not sure where she was going with this. "Yeah, I guess. I mean, it's Feburary so it's pretty cold but I don't really-"

"That's not what I meant. I just- With us. Are you comfortable with us?"

"Of course. Why are you asking?"

Lisa moved away from me, pulling on the blanket in a way that probably helped gather her confidence. The fabric slid off my foot, but I didn't move to fix it. "Does all of this not feel forced to you? Like we're just doing what we think we've always done. But it's all wrong. It's like we can't remember who we were before Castiel came back."

"Are you not happy, Lisa?"

"I don't know." That's not what I wanted her to say. "I just- I don't know. I've been trying to forget that he came here and that you almost went back to him, but I can't. I can't get that out of my mind because I just feel like I'm your second choice. Like you're just settling for me, and the only reason you were with me in the first place was because you couldn't have him."

"Lisa, I'm with you because I love you and want to spend my life with you. I want everything to go back to the way it was too."

She made a gesture with her hand that I couldn't begin to understand. "But things can't just go back, Dean. There's nothing we can do to be those people again, and this is starting to feel like the better option." She tucked her hair behind her ear. "You're not the same since Castiel came back. You want to be with him so much. Anyone can see it. Don't you think this will be easier if you go back to him? Rather than pretend with me, you should just be happy with Castiel."

What? "Are you breaking up with me?"

I expected her to say no. I wanted her to say no so much. "Yes," she finally said with a heavy sigh. It was like she was holding her breath up until that point and could feel the air in her lungs again. She sounded lighter. "It's going to be best for all of us. I would love to be with you and get married and have kids like you want someday, but you won't be happy. Not like you would be with him. And I can't sit by when I know you're settling for me because you're scared of losing him again." She pinched the bridge of her nose. "I just want you to be happy, Dean, so go find him and tell him the truth before you do lose him. Don't miss anything else with him because you don't want to hurt me."

"Are you not going to let me have a say in this?"

"That's not usually how break ups work," she laughed. "Please don't make this harder than it has to be. You know this is the right thing to do. You'll be happy with Castiel, and I'll move on. I just want you to go to him before it's too late."

"Don't you think this is strange? You trying to get me back together with my ex?" I smiled, trying to keep the mood light. "Is this how break ups usually go?"

"Who else will take care of you? You're a hot mess."

There was too much quiet after that; it was almost tangible. "We'll still be friends, right?"

"Of course, Dean. You're hard to get rid of."

I tried to smile, but it wasn't working. "I don't want you to be right. I want to tell you that you're wrong and that you're who I should be with. I want to tell you that I'll be happier with you, but I don't know if that's true. And I just wish it was because that would be so much easier. A life with you would be so nice."

Lisa folded her legs under her. She didn't look away while I was talking, not how most people would in her situation. "But you deserve more than that. More than just a nice life."

"So do you. And I don't think I can give you that life you deserve." I gave her a sad smile, reaching out to take her hand. "It's too bad you're right."

"I always am."

"I'm really sorry, Lisa. I wish this could've worked out differently."

Lisa leaned in to kiss my cheek. "Don't be sorry. Just go and be happy so this isn't for nothing. Go get Castiel back."

And somehow, I brought myself to actually leave the apartment I'd spent years in. I left the woman I loved and was hurting by being with. I left a cooling pizza and a movie in progress. A few weeks ago, hell a few days ago, I wouldn't have been able to walk away from it all. I wouldn't have been able to take the risk. But now those inhibitions were gone. Lisa was pushing me to make what she thought was the right decision. She wanted me to be happy and thought that would happen with Cas. I still felt guilty about leaving Lisa, but this was her choice, which is probably why she broke up with me. God, that woman was amazing.

I grabbed a few things from our room and just left like I was going to work. It was such a simple action, yet it felt huge. This was going to be a turning point in my life, the moment I look back on in the future when thinking about life changing events. It felt like it should've been more difficult, but this huge point took barely a thought. One second, I was with Lisa watching a movie, the next I was on my way to the portal office.

All I could do was hope and pray Cas would take me back after all this time.