Caffeine [July Nanowrimo]

eight; twisted

Some people end to take a turn of depression whenever an unwanted date looms around, edging closer to make an appearance. I was usually one of those people.

So, imagine my surprise when I realized that day had arrived and I haven’t been aware of it at all. Guilt raced through me the minute I realized and I felt selfish for worrying of my petty issues rather than the bigger ones I was supposed to face.

That’s what heartbreaks tend to do to you. It makes you feel like nothing else is important except for how your heart feels like a tin can being squashed. I realized that negative thoughts tend to consume and center you in the middle of the tornado. It was hard to think of anything else because all you could think of is how your heartstrings feel like they’re being tugged and yanked mercilessly.

Love is a very rewarding yet cruel fate.

I hated Derrick for making me so dependent on him. I hated him for making me feel like he is my oxygen. I hated how weak he made me.

Most of all, I hated myself for letting it happen repeatedly. How long was I going to keep leaning on someone?

It was getting tiring and the crying and numbness was absolutely exhausting. To anyone who said that numbness was the best feeling to achieve, they need a reality check. I hated that cold feeling of nothingness that froze over my heart. It made me feel like I was losing a part of myself.

And that thought made me even more heartbroken. I was a mess, unraveling in a spiral of impending destruction that I had involuntarily instructed myself to do.

Is this why people commit suicide? Not to solve the problem, not because death is the solution, but because you can control. For once, something can be controlled.

As I sat there on the edge of my bed, donned in branded clothing and accessories, I felt like the most worthless piece of shit.

Utter crap.

I was so absorbed at my own pain that I forgot. I forgot, that someone had to take control in order to let his pain go and it breaks my heart that I couldn’t do anything to stop him.

Nothing. Nada. Nil.

I glanced at the watch and bit my lip. It was already close to noon and I couldn’t bring myself to move. I was so unmotivated with life.

Life.

Four meager letters. One letter. That was all it took to rack a shiver all over me. I feared life, despised it even, but for some reason the thought of the inevitable death scares me even more.

Perhaps it was the fact that as much as all of us have tainted the blank pure canvas of life with flaws, we have also filled it with the colors of memories. And sometimes flaws can be fixed; they can be made into something special. All we had to do was appreciate it.

But it comes to a certain point where flaws dominates and stains the canvas, leaving it completely utterly irreparable. It drives you crazy and that particular canvas used to be your personal favorite turns into your personal nightmare. Once it reaches the point where that canvas of yours becomes the one thing you despise, all you can do is tear it apart, ripping it into shreds, turning into your biggest monster.

Many would say that that is the end. But it is really?

Because as life is sturdy just as it is fragile.

It took Jake three tries to rip that canvas until it was completely done. It took three whole tries before he was completely gone, leaving his shell and a catastrophe of emotions behind.

Three damn scars that ill forever mar his body, now a decaying container of what was once a vibrant soul. He was a light that shone even in the gloomiest of days. I could blame the scars and I could blame the problems he was going through.