Caffeine [July Nanowrimo]

epilogue; beginning

The wind messed up my hair, one that I had left untied for the first time in a very long time. My hands were itching to whip out my compact powder and just check my makeup for one last time. It was one of the downfalls of being an aspiring fashion journalist; you have the need to make sure you always look your best in the open.

Usually, makeup was my weapon for confidence and my mask. They were the one thing that made it easier for me to fake it till I make it, which is a very important skill in the cut throat world of fashion and design.

But right now, not even my signature classic day out look calm my nerves. Not everything can be faked and not everything can we prepare for.

It a very damp day but it wasn’t raining. As I stared at the entrance, my heart picked up its pace and I felt myself internally freaking out. It’s been close to six years since I left this place and ten since it happened. My eyes roamed around the lush greenery. It looked so peaceful but I know better. Many assume that small towns like these are safe; hence they overlook and underestimate them.

That’s probably why most infamous crimes and deceptions happen there.

But as much as they contain so many dark memories, I cannot deny that it has given me so much happiness as well.

So as I stared at the welcome sign, I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel, debating if I should start driving into the uncertain.

As I was about do a U-turn and get the hell away from the town, a wave of memories came in. Just a whole jumble of them, even those I kept hidden.

Those moments with Jake and I, evolving from our young age until days before his disappearance and death.

Those moments of me and my parents, from those times where I was casted aside to those times that we made up for it.

Those moments of our whole family –me, Jake, father, mother- and us going out to picnics, vacations and the inside jokes.

The time warp slowed down drastically as my mind gingerly touched the surface of my memories with Derrick.

I think it started with the first my eyes laid on him at the bazaar during freshman year. I don’t believe in love at first sight, but when I saw him there with a casual smile on his face, I almost did.

After that it was just a vivid flash after another racing through my head, making it hurt. My heart clenched so painfully in what I can only refer to as severe homesickness.

My heart needed to come back home.

It was like I was in automated mode, because the next thing I knew, I was cruising through the entrance and making my way to the town.

The minute my senses were attacked by the strong of rain and wet tar, it comforted me and I felt nostalgic. I had finally come back to where I will forever belong. These people here, they can be very judgmental and harsh but at some point, they had once played a role, perhaps not an important one, but a role nonetheless in my life.

They had contributed in shaping and molding me into who I am now.

Sometimes, I wonder if personalities and attributes we have, are they really ours? Or were they just a side effect of what others have done to us?

I became a cynic because of my parent’s constant precaution to be wary of others and of the superficiality that I mingle with. Jake’s death and disappearance too played a part.

I had hope because that was what I was thought to have since a young age and that was what Jake had instilled in me. I had hope because Derrick showed me how to believe in it.