Caffeine [July Nanowrimo]

nine; explosion

Shock was an understatement to my emotions at this point. Did Derrick even realize what he said? What those words mean?

Jake, as in my brother, my hero, my best friend, is in love with me?

“You’re joking,” I shook my head in denial, forcing myself to not accept even though I’m pretty sure deep down, I knew. Anger flashed in his eyes and he snapped at me.

“Stop it, Ray! Goddamn, you always do this. Stop trying to deny reality. The sooner you accept the truth, the better it is or everyone. You know why you are such a hot mess after he was gone? Because you couldn’t accept. Stop trying to push it inside tiny drawers you created in your minds!” His harsh words stung me but we both knew that I needed to hear that.

In some ways, I was just like my parents. I didn’t want to talk about and I wanted to forget, although to not see or to not experience something that you already have is impossible. The only difference is that, I didn’t want to accept.

Because acceptance means moving on.

My mind processed his words and for once, I was strong enough to shove my feelings away and start using my head instead.

“Okay, fine. So you’re telling me that Jake, my brother who shares the same genes as me was into incest? Derrick, you have to give me more than just a statement to make me believe that.” My tone was sardonic and I could see Derrick flinch slightly and how harsh it sounded. I was pissed off, to say the least, and the amount of games being played around me was just too much.

He gave me a nervous stare before visibly taking in a deep breath.

“Before I explain to you anything, promise me your view on Jake will not change, okay?”

“I’m not promising you shit. You better explain or this argument is going to get kind of intense,” I bit out.

He winced once again at my words and something in his eyes. I didn’t how to place that different light I saw in his eyes, but I knew that something inside him had changed.

But at that moment, I was too angry to deal with anybody’s bull.

“He figured it out during the end of your last year in middle school. He was a junior back then, remember? He was upset, really upset and I remembered prior to when he told me about it, he was constantly depressed and angry. You may not have known this, Ray, but he was destroyed. He felt disgusted of himself for even having those thoughts. He thought it would pass off, but it didn’t. That was one of the reasons why he constantly had girls around him. Jake had never condoned incest, so you can just imagine how terrible he felt. He was as in a spiral of self-destruction.”

My mind reeled around this new information and involuntarily, I felt disgust seep in at the thought of my brother having feelings that siblings were never supposed to have. I hated the fact how my opinions of him changed, but could you really blame me?

I literally just found my brother had a crush on me.

“W-Why did he never tell me? And I’ve never seen him depressed?” my voice turned into a tone of defiance at the end, a part of me screaming to enter back into the shell of denial.

A bitter chuckle escaped his lips and he gave me a bitter look.

“Do you really think Jake is that heartless of a person, Belle? This is why I didn’t want to tell you in the first place. Why do you think he didn’t tell you? Because he was a good person. He knew it was wrong, and he would never and I mean never, put you through that. So just for a second, stop looking at him like a messed up being, which he was, but look at the Jake that had been there for you at all times. Of course he wouldn’t tell you he’s depressed. You were the only thing he ever looked forward to.”