pretty girl

sad girl

I need to get back

I need to get back

My feelings are getting to me again.

Being home for too long over stimulates me, I feel too nostalgic for my brain to function and all that extra nostalgia is turned into more sadness and anxiety.

All I want to do is hide in the corner and cry and scream my feelings out of me but that's just not how it works.

My hands get shaky and my movements become erratic and impulsive.

I get angry more quickly at the littlest things and my legs feel too weak to hold up my frail body.

And now here I am shaking and holding myself tight so I don't fall apart,

So I don't fall to the ground once again.

Walking down the street

At 5:00am.

The sky is a rosy pink on one side that fades to a light cotton candy blue across a number of miles in the sky, dotted with white fairy lights that have a generous amount of space between them because of the newly introduced light pollution from the sun on the blue side.

Only the brightest of stars can shine in times like these

If I were a star, I would definitely not be one of the visible ones right now.

With a sky so beautiful carrying out a love story between the moon and the sun I wonder how my mind is still a dark grey abyss that i'm scared to pay attention to for fear it will just become darker.

I need to get to the home, and when I get back I really need a hug.

I feel uneasy.

I honestly don't know why I do this to myself, why do I always go back home if I know i'm going to be an emotional wreck by the morning?

But at the same time, too long away from home makes me kind of sad and I want everything to go back to the way it was when I was alive, but the closest I can get to that is going back to my house.

That's why I used to spend months and months at a time at Saffie's.

I was still getting used to being a goner girl and anything from my past life made me just want to die all over again to escape the stress and sadness that I constantly felt.

Over the years I started going back more and more.

I finally got to the home, After I started sprinting a few blocks back because I was just so anxious and uncomfortable and I couldn't wait to get back to Saffie and Robin and Kiera and Venus.

" You were there too long, weren't you?" Saffie said to me as we met at the door.

I nodded. Saffie just hugged me.

" how long have you been awake for?" I asked. It was early even for her.

" I didn't feel like sleeping last night, Venus and I played games and talked for most of the time, also I knew you'd be coming home soon" She told me.

You see, ghosts have absolutely no need to sleep, or carry out any living necessary functions.

this means I don't need to eat, sleep, breathe, or drink water. My body is cold to the touch and I haven't felt what it's like to have a heartbeat in years, and I forget what it's like to have a pulse; but just because i don't need to do these things, doesn't mean I can't do them.

Usually i'll sleep night and eat once in a while.

I feel there's too many hours in a day to fill them all with things to do without my existence becoming repetitive and mundane.

Also I eat just to taste things, I never actually feel hungry, it's just nice to taste something that's not just nothing.

I felt a little better now that I wasn't home.

But still, i just felt not good at all.

It's like i'm suffocating still, even though I don't need to breath.

My lungs feel more empty than they ever have, and I tried inhaling but it was something my muscles forgot how to do so I just stood there feeling deflated and panicked.

I didn't know what to do with myself at this point.

"I'm going to earth" I said after being silent for a while.

Before Saffie or anyone was able to respond my feet started sprinting and my body went along with it.

I got to the entrance of transgressus, there was a small line so I got through quickly.

I made it to the graveyard, my headstone lit up by the incredible amount of sunlight shiny through the trees.

I jumped up and started flying.

I have no idea where I wanted to go but I just want to go somewhere.

But before I knew it, I was at the pretty girls house.

I entered through an open window, She was sitting at her desk writing.

It was a journal.

I watched as her pen dances across the paper leaving swirly words tied together with string and personality. She was already half way down the page.

I started from the top.

5/24/2018

Hello again, A lot has changed since i've last written. Recently the doctor told me I'm depressed, and recommended that I see a therapist. I'm not really sure if I'd want a therapist, from what i've heard about them, even if it may be the best for me. I don't understand how someone could immediately just pour their heart into someone they just met even if it's what you're supposed to do. Also I heard they tell everything you told them to your parents and I'm most certainly not comfortable with that happening. Yes they are my mother and father but i feel like there's such a gap between us metaphorically that I even feel hesitant to tell them the littlest things for fear they'll somehow turn on me for no reason. Also therapists are expensive, and although i'm messed up in the head, $100 dollars per session is too much

She continued making lines and circles and dots into beautiful letters but those letters turned into words and those words into sentences and those sentences meant sad things.

The pretty girl isn't happy, and there's nothing I can do about that.

She deserves the world but all she gets is a messed up mind.

Then my eyes wondered, wondered to the letters she wrote for Saffie on her desk.

Letters even sadder than what she wrote in her journal.

She missed Saffie with an ineffable passion.

I wish I could do something about that, but I will never be able to.

Never.

The pretty girl is also a sad girl, and I guess what they say is true,

Some things never change, even if they hurt.