No One Can Know About Us (Motionless In White)

No One Can Know About Us

"Stay," he asked in a raspy voice as I started to make my way to the door.

I stopped in my tracks and turned around to look at him. "I thought you were still asleep," I whisper.

"I'm not," he chuckled. "Come back to bed." 

I shook my head and sighed. "I can't, Chris." 

"Why?"

I flipped the light on and shot him a confused look. I thought he knew that we weren't getting into this. I wasn't supposed to stay the night. I wasn't supposed to hang around him during the day. He made that clear back in the beginning. He didn't want a relationship. He wanted someone to have sex with. That was it. He didn't want anything more. And I was willing. 

"Because that wasn't-"

"That wasn't the arrangement," he sneered. "Jesus Nat, it's one night!"

I sighed and shook my head. "No Chris, you know that's not true. If I stay the night, I'll be here in the morning. If I'm here in the morning, we'll have to grab coffee. If we grab coffee, we'll be seen together. And if we're seen together, this blows up. Or so you say." 

"You're blowing this out of proportion," he snapped. "Just come sit down. We can fuck if you want." 

I opened the door to his apartment and turned back to face him. "I'm sorry, Chris. But if you can't man up and say that you want more from me, I'm done."

"What do you mean you're done," he chokes out as he suddenly leaps up from the bed.

"I just can't do this anymore," I sighed. "I want more. I want someone I can be with in the day and at night. I don't want to be a sex toy anymore." I closed my eyes and released another sad sigh. "Chris, I don't even know your last name, I don't know any of your friends or family, fuck, I don't even know what you do for a living! You won't tell me anything! I can't do this anymore with someone that won't give anything in return!" 

"Fine," he spat. "Then leave." He pointed to the corridor with an angry expression on his face. "You're nothing more than a filthy whore anyways."

That made my blood boil. I hate the word 'whore' to start with. I have never sold my body in any way, shape or form. "Chris," I sighed.

"Save it. And get out," he demanded. "And Nat... don't ever come back." 

I grabbed my bag from the counter next to the door and nodded. "My pleasure." 

I stormed out of his apartment and heard the door slam loudly as I reached the elevator. Once inside I pushed the ground floor button and wiped the tears away that had started falling down my face. He started this, he approached me. I wasn't even interested in him at first. After countless nights of the best sex I'd ever had, I fell for him. I fell for a man that I didn't know at all. He kept everything a secret and he never told me why. That's all I wanted to know. 

And now I never will. God, I wanted to go back. I wanted to go back and climb into bed with him again. I didn't want to have sex but I wanted to take him up on his offer to stay. I wanted to get to know his personality, not his body. He was beautiful and kind. I'd been waiting all my life for someone like that. He never forced me to do anything and always made sure that he wasn't too rough for me. I wanted to be something more to him. But I just couldn't do it when he holds so much back from me. 

I walked out into the cool Scranton rain and air and tried to forget about him. I didn't want to remember the things he could make me feel or the way I could have told him everything about me and not felt vulnerable. I hated that he made me fall so easily. I just wanted to go back to that night and refuse him, turn down his offer for sex. I wish I'd never gotten involved with him. Because then I wouldn't be walking around Scranton in the freezing cold at 3 A.M. 

I walked towards the street that I parked my car on since it had to parked at least two blocks away from Chris' apartment. Yet another thing he wouldn't tell me about. As I got closer I noticed that my car wasn't there. I looked around and my eyes landed on a sign. I was parked illegally. That was the first time I parked on that street and now my car was gone. 

"You've got to be kidding me," I hissed as I kicked a can out of my way. I pulled my phone out and realized that I had no one to call. I wasn't a friendly person and my family didn't leave anywhere close by. 

I went to my contacts and found his number. He was my last hope. I tapped his name and waited patiently while it rang. After 5 rings he picked up. "What," he snapped. 

"I need help," I muttered. 

"Call someone else," he grunted. "I'm not your friend, I was your fuck buddy." 

I sighed and felt the tears start to stream down my face. "I don't have anyone else, Chris! My car has been towed and I have no way to get home. I live 25 minutes away from you by car! I am begging you to just give me a lift to the impound lot."

He sighed and mumbled something before I heard a door open and close. "What street are you on?" 

"Viewmont Drive," I sniffled. 

"I'll be there in a minute," he answered softly before hanging up. 

I sat down on the curb and pulled my knees to my chest. I was freezing and soaked. I didn't want him to see me like this. I was weak. I didn't want him to drive to my loft because I didn't want to spend time in a confined space with him. 

I saw a car start to approach me before the driver side door opened and Chris jumped out. "You didn't say it was raining, Nat! You're going to get sick," he huffed as he approached me. He pulled off his hoodie to reveal his bare chest. "Put this on." 

I did as he said and got in the car with him. He turned around and I realized he was driving back to his place. "Chris, you're going the wrong-" 

"You're coming back to my place and staying the night. It's late. The impound lot is closed and you probably live farther away than I do," he cut me off. 

He parked his car and sprinted to the door of his building. I followed close behind. I caught him stealing glances and I couldn't help but blush. When we got to his apartment he pulled me inside and ripped his clothes off. He looked over at me before walking over. He pulled his hoodie off, taking my top with it. He unclasped my bra before rolling my leggings down and taking my thong. He walked off, leaving me naked for a minute. I heard the washer start before he came back and picked me up. 

He walked to his bedroom and threw me on the bed before climbing in himself. He pulled a few blankets over us and wrapped his arms around my pale, cold skin. "I'm sorry," he whispered before moving my hair and pressing a kiss to the nape of my neck. 

"Let me in," I replied quietly as I turned to face him. "I want all of you Chris, not just your body." 

He shook his head and pulled me closer. "I want to Natalie, I really do. But I can't."

"Why?" 

"Because you'd get hurt," he sighed. "You'd get hurt and I wouldn't be able to forgive myself."

I placed my hands on the side of his face and pressed a kiss to his lips. "I can handle more than you give me credit for."

"Nat, we agreed on our deal because I have secrets. And I want to keep them that way. I don't want you to know anything about me because you can't get hurt if you don't know. I can't change this." 

I pouted my lips and he kissed them but I still had this feeling of disappointment. His hands moved up and down my back in a circular motion that provided comfort and I let my head rest against his chest. My eyelids were getting heavy and even though I knew spending the night with him like this would only make things worse, I let myself fall asleep in his arms. 

I felt safe with him because I knew he would never let anything happen to me. We've been at this for 6 months, I trust him, well the very little of him that I know. And I knew that when I woke up, things would be no different. He'd still want sex and I'd still want more. It was never going to work and a little part of me always knew that. 

But that little part of me was growing bigger.