Public Diary

First Day of School

  I'm currently writing this at 4:07 am in the morning before the third day of school because my sleep schedule is non-existent. I honestly need to fix it but, Oh well.
So, my first day was great. I met two new people. I met one during lunch and the other on my bus. The girl I met during lunch is also a lesbian so, that's really cool. I have never met another lesbian in real life so, it was really cool to meet another girl like me. She's into a lot of the same fandoms as me and she has really poofy hair. I think she's cute but, I don't really like her in that way. I was telling my friends who we'll call Tessa and Natalie (Both straight girls if that matters.) about this girl who we will call Kendall and they said that the way I talk about her comes off as if I have a huge crush on her. I actually might have one but, I'm not 100% sure yet. Mikki, my pan friend who I see as a mother figure, (I literally call her mom. Don't judge me) said the same thing. She asked if I liked Kendall and I said that I don't know but, she didn't really believe me.
Unfortunately, I have zero classes with Mia, my crush. She admitted to me that she rejected me because it was the end of the school year and she didn't want to date someone she can't talk to regularly. I get that but, this year we don't even have one class together. NOT EVEN ONE! I still like her but, I can't see anything happening between us if we don't see each other unless we happen to be walking in the halls at the same time.
This year I'm going to work on my confidence. I think that keeping a public diary is really helping me a lot to be more open with people and not hide as much as I usually do. My goal this week is to be able to be comfortable with expressing my weird side and all that comes with it like the random bursts of laughter, the dancing and singing, my love for musicals and my other fandoms, my weird sense of humor and, just my personality in general.
Today well, technically yesterday, was the second day of school and, I heard one of the more popular girls that were nice to me, (Or so I thought) talking to her friend. ( Let's call her Ally and her friend Anna) Anna asked Ally something about me, I have no right to assume the question but, I didn't hear it that well because, I was occupied but, in response, I heard Ally respond with something about how I'm gross. I honestly was hurt but, I didn't show it because I know how those girls are. I can't really see her as a friend anymore but, I'm not going to be a mean person towards her just because we aren't friends anymore.
I haven't even told Ally that we aren't friends anymore! I'm so bad at being stern it hurts. I just wish that it could be easy. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or make a fool of myself. What if she never even saw me as a friend in the first place and it was just one-sided? Then it would be really awkward if I told her. Also, I sit with this other girl who is really nice to me in the same class that I would have talked to Ally in. English 1. (Let's call this girl Sara) Sara is really nice to me but, she isn't that nice to most people. She says she's nice to me because she has no reason to be mean to me and because other people are rude enough to me that I don't need one more person being rude as well. The reason I didn't confront Ally in front of Sara is that I was scared of what could happen. I didn't want a fight to break out between them. I know that Sara could possibly do that because she fought with another girl in the last week of school last year in the cafeteria. (In my opinion, she won, but that's beside the point.) I didn't want anything to happen.
You could say I'm too nice, or that I'm a pushover and, I agree. I could have done something, I could have spoken up, I could have told her that what she said hut but, I didn't. I let her walk over me. I'm always going to be nice but, I need to learn when to be stern. Cross your fingers.

I hope you have a nice day!
~♡Marie