Please Don't Tell

Please God

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Chapter Five

            “Do you need a ride anywhere?” Johnny asked sitting across from me, he let me wear a pair of shorts which went down to my ankles. He was really tall, way over six feet.

            “Uh I don’t know.” I slide further into the seat feeling like a screw up, I knew my parents wouldn’t be home yet but I didn’t want to go home. I wanted to know who I had slept with but my pride got the best of me, that and it was a scary thought.

            “Well I go to work in an hour so… I mean you could stay here but- “I can’t do that.” I muttered looking down at the oak table. I should go home, just go home and face the mess.  Carter was spending the night at one of his nerdy friend’s house and Canby might come over if she’s not with her friends. Oh and Tana… she had wanted to crash at my house but I don’t know if she just told her parents that or if she really meant she was spending the night. Oh well I couldn’t stay here and trouble Johnny any more than I already had.

            “So- “I should go home I guess… do one responsible thing!” I forced a smile as I chewed on the inside of my cheek, I was the one that wanted to have sex so badly might as well just face the facts now. I had and I knew for almost certain it wasn’t with Brent, it probably had been with someone I didn’t know and they wouldn’t ever talk to me again. I tried to tell myself that was a good thing, but my heart hurt.

            “Okay I’ll get ready for work and take you home.” Johnny got up with an awkward smile and went into his room, he should take a shower he was covered in grease and smelled bad. Oh well he was a nice guy, and I owed him. A lot!

Thirty minutes later Johnny pulled into the long path that led to the circle driveway, I pushed the passcode in opening the gates and hopped back into Johnny’s pick-up truck. I found out that Johnny was a part time mechanic at a place called; Mike’s Grease, I told him next time I needed my car serviced I’d go to him. My small way of trying to repay him, but I knew I couldn’t ever repay him. at least not with some cash, he had been really nice about the whole thing which was an added bonus.

            “Wow it looks bigger in the day time!” Johnny exclaimed driving up the gravel make shift road, I smiled half-heartily. My house was a pale yellow with dusty rose roof; it was an old Victorian styled house with modern inside. I grew up here but right now I wish I didn’t.

            “Yeah… you can come in if you want.” Even though if anyone was here I knew what they would think, and of Johnny too.

            “Nah I really should head to work, my boss is very anal if I’m late.” I nodded feeling a weird emotion come over me, I was sad, sad to be alone and having Johnny leave. But asking him to stay would be awkward and weak.

            “Well Johnny I’ll see you at school I guess… and thank you again SO much you have no idea how much I owe you!” I exclaimed putting on a tough girl smile with sugar sweet dripping from it.

            “Yeah see you around.” He put the car in gear and I got out, I walked slowly up the stairs to the front door hoping no one was home to see me walk in with boy shorts and a guy’s shirt. My head hovered over the door knob; I stopped and did something I didn’t usually do. I prayed, I prayed that everything would be okay and that I could live with myself.

            “Please God… just make everything okay.” Tears ran down my face and I ripped open the door, to an empty house. The maid service must’ve already come because everything was tidy and cleaned up. Maybe last night never happened and Johnny was part of a sick twisted joke, but I knew as I kept walking it wasn’t. He couldn’t have conjured that feeling between my legs, and the pain in my chest, no last night had happened. And I would never be able to forget it, the clouds of that memory were blowing away and I was able to remember fragments. It was like a flash back of awful but good memory, I wanted to wash it back down and never remember but I couldn’t.

            My brain could only make me move to my bedroom and dive into the bright colors of the covers and hibernate. But I couldn’t quiet the thoughts rushing through my mind, what had I done? I thought I knew every inch of my mind, I thought I knew what I was capable of; I thought that becoming a woman would be life altering in a good way. Not me trying to remember who I had given my V card to!

It got so bad that I had to take a sleeping pill just to close my eyes and make the dark thoughts fade, disappear, go away! For the first time in years I grabbed my favorite doggy stuffed animal and clutched it to my chest, I just hoped everything would be fine. God, please make everything okay. I promise you anything and everything if you make this all go away, just turn time back so I can start over! The stupid thing was that I knew I would do the exact same thing if I was allowed to go back, now I can only push on and keep going. Play the cards I’m given… or at least try to.

*Three Hours Later*

My back hurt like I’d fell on hard wooden floors, in between my legs still hurt so I popped two more Advil’s. Looking at the alarm clock next to my bed I saw it was almost four thirty, my parents should be home later this evening. Carter might be home though, I don’t know why but I needed someone around me. I walked down the hall shivering because of the chill someone was definitely home because I never turned on the AC I lived in California for a reason, I loved the sun.

            “Clutch?” I heard my name being called further down the hallway; I looked up from the floor to see Carter in the doorway to his room holding my phone in his hand.

            “Why do you have that?” I asked anger rising in me; he probably found it considering the questioning look on his face.

            “It was in my room, on the floor by the bed… look I really don’t wanna think about how this got there so I’m not… just tell me not to worry about it and that it slipped and fell when you were telling people not to enter my room.” I swallowed a thick wad of guilt; I didn’t have sex in my brother’s bed did I? God please tell me I didn’t, that would be just… awful.

            “I opened my present from Dell in here, I must’ve dropped it.” I shrugged it off and grabbed it from him.

            “Dell was at your party?” He asked arching an eyebrow; Carter has dark brown hair and brown eyes equally a miniature look-a-like of our father. He’s even tall and lanky like Clive Milligan, when they both wear tux’s it’s weird how much they look a-like. Except Carter has longer skater like hair and a freckle on his cheek that all three children have.

            “Yeah long enough for me to open my present and grab a hug, then she left, you know Dell.” He shrugged but I saw his boyish grin play on his face, it wasn’t a huge secret that Carter had a thing for Dell. But there was a three year age cap that I reminded him of.

            “She’s already sixteen bro.”

            “Shut up!” He yelled and turned back to his room, I heard his TV play the familiar ring of a video game. My stomach jumped in my throat, I couldn’t be alone, not with myself.

            “Wait Carter!” I yelled weakness soaked my words and left them dripping in the hallway. I stood motionless until Carter opened the door and asked what.

            “what?”

            “Can I… can I play video games with you?” When Carter and I were younger he used to beg me to play Mario and shooting games with him, no the tables had turned.

            “Fine, but don’t expect to win!” He retorted kicking open the door, I sighed in relief and walked in after him shrugging on a sweatshirt.