Even Steven Operation

|leon goes down about as well as a nun|

"I mean, do we really have to do this?"

"Val, we've been over this already! None of us are Justin f*cking Beiber, so unless you can pull eight hundred thousand dollars out of your ass, we have to apologize!"

"I still don't know why we're here," puts in Alec, gesturing between him, Cole, and Val.

"You're here because this was your idea," I snap. "Why are you complaining? Maddie isn't complaining."

"That's because she volunteered to come," mutters Val.

"I felt bad," sighs Maddie, shifting from one foot to another guiltily to prove her point.

"And by the way," retorts Alec. "My idea was was to dump on Mason's house, not his next-door neighbor."

Well, he had a point.

"I fully blame you and Livvy for this," I inform Ava, and I ring the doorbell and step back quickly.

"Please don't be a big beefy dude. Please don't be a big beefy dude," prays Maddie under her breath.

"I agree," whispers Cole.

"Dude," Alec shakes his head. "You call yourself a man?"

"Not by being a fighter," responds Cole seriously. "But by being an incredible lover."

He winks at Livvy, who rolls her eyes and swats his arm.

Suddenly, the door swings open. Well shit.

It's an old lady. She's a little on the shorter side, with flaming red hair that's streaked liberally with white. Her green eyes are unusually bright and I squirm a little under her gaze. She's wearing a pince-nez, which she sets firmly on her nose as she assesses us. She's wearing rainbow bell-bottoms and an extremely hipster boat neck.  All in all, she gives me the impression that she's not a lady to be messed with. 

Great. So, not only did we trash an old lady's home, we trashed a house belonging to someone who's giving me serious hippie Mon Mothma vibes.

We're so screwed. We're so screwed, we could give a pornstar a run for her money.

"Can I help you?" she asks, as we try to get over the initial shock of her flamboyant appearance. She has a very strong accent, marking her Spanish heritage. I wince. Val was Spanish, and one time she'd caught Val in bed with a girl when she came home early from work. Val reckons his left buttock has never been the same since.

"Uh, actually," stammers Livvy. "We came here to apologize, uh,"

"Apologize?" she narrowed her eyes at us. "You came from that pizza place, no? Because unless you're here to lift our lifelong ban with some veggie pies, I don't want to hear it."

I choke. Lifelong ban? From a pizza place? I'd really like to know this story. 

"No, actually we're here to apologize for a terrible mistake," puts in Alec, who looked extremely amused.

The woman gives Alec a once over. Well, I guess he is a little easy on the eyes. 

"Well, come in. I haven't got all day, you know."

Ten minutes later, we're staring into the storm fire eyes of Mrs. Delgado. Her face had gone up three startling shades of rouge, which matched her hair perfectly towards the end of my story.

"So you see," I finish, trying to make myself as small as possible. "It was really an honest mistake. We'll be happy to clean your room for you and pay for anything we damaged."

I stare at the floor, trying not to make eye contact in case that sets her off. 

"You tell me," she concludes in a funny voice. "You threw eggs on my bed and left vibrators and tampons on my floor and painted things on my walls because that Stone boy was cheating on her?"

"Yes," squeaks Maddie. Mrs. Delgado turns to her.

"Please don't hurt me," she adds frantically.

We all shift in our seats as we wait for the verdict. I'm thinking that a big beefy dude might've been better than a Spanish grandmother when the first roar of laughter attacks my ears.

"You did it very well, yes," she squeals, rubbing tears from her eyes. "If Mrs. Stone would've found it!"

"That was our plan," Cole says, loosening up once he realizes she isn't going to pound him like a hunk of beef. 

"It was a good plan," she chuckles, wiping tears from her eyes. Suddenly, she returns back to seriousness. 

"But don't think you're getting away easy. No," she wags her fingers at us. "I already cleaned the room, but there's something else you could do for me."

"Yes, you can have Alec," I blurt out.

"Thanks, Addie."

She grins at me. "He is handsome, but I have a better idea."

"Grandma, whatever this is, just no."

We all look up to see who'd spoken. Leon Delgado! He was a sophomore in Castell High. I'd seen him around in the hallways. 

I hit myself on the forehead, earning a weird look from Ava. 

This was Leon's grandmother! I wouldn't have guessed. He's a very gentlemanly, sweet guy. And Mrs. Delgado seems a little.. wild. 

"I haven't even told them the plan yet," she dismisses him. 

He turns to us, wide-eyed. "Whatever she says, don't do it. She'll probably make you run naked through the street or-"

"Actually, Leon," she says firmly. "My plan is a lot simpler than that. Now sit down."

"Why do I have to be a part of this?"

"Because you love your grandmother and would like to carry out her possibly last wish?"

Leon doesn't bat an eyelid. 

"Because I have a whole cardboard box of baby pictures I can show our guests?"

Leon went down about as well as a nun. The eight of us huddle together and lean forward expectantly. She outlines what she wants us to do for her. With every word that comes out, I'm wondering if we should just skip this and send her to the loony bin.

"Grandma, what-"

"Sh, Leon. Not now."

"Leon?" whispers Alec quietly. "Is she a little, you know.."

"Mad?"

"You said it."

           Half an hour and four juice boxes later, I'm ready to die defending this woman.

"So you see," explains Mrs. Delgado, to roars of laughter. "I never started a house of prostitution in my apartment. It was all my roommate, Celia. Stupid bitch, I heard she's in jail now. But my name was still in the documents. So that's how became a wanted woman in Texas."

Ava and I are rolling around on the floor because we physically cannot stand right now. Val has huge cartoon hearts in his eyes as he stares at his new mentor. Leon gives Maddie and embarrassed look and a vague hand gesture. 

"But ma'am," argues Alec. He and Cole have been trying to get their point across throughout the story. I don't waste my breath informing them that it's a lost cause. 

"You could've just gone to court and explained this. Sign some paperwork and you're clean. Quick and easy."

"Yes, that was the name of the brothel!"

I almost inhale my apple juice up my nose.

___________________________________

Honestly, imagine having a woman like Mrs. Delgado in your life. Would it ever get boring?