After Elliot

20: Ashtray

A/N: Kind of happy with this chapter... idk? Well, I've changed Liam's hair color about ten times, but it's finally settled to dark brown and swishy. So thanks for being patient.

Enjoy!

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After my confession at the graveside, I've been ignoring Liam's calls. It's childish, I know, but I told him I didn't want Elliot anymore, and now, I'm not too sure. Ryan and I have visited his grave every day once Ryan gets out of school.

Yesterday, we took roses to put in the empty vases on each side of the headstone. I know that I'm being selfish. I know how much it hurts Ryan to come back here, and I shouldn't drag him along with me.

He claims that he wants to, and that he needs to "keep an eye on me." Ergo, he's afraid I'll commit suicide- which I won't. I'm actually in one of the better stages of this drawn out grieving process of mine, which means I'm past the suicidal stage, thank goodness. Now, it's just the raw heartache that will eventually fade into nothing as I forget about him and how he died.

I wish it was that easy. I wish I could just forget, but since his death is tied to me and happened right in front of me, the trauma haunts me day and night, whether it's about Elliot or not.

"Ryan!" Miley squeals, breaking me from my morbid thoughts as they wrestle each other for the popcorn bowl. "Give it!" "Never!" He refuses, holding the large bowl far out of her reach.

"I want some popcorn before I go completely frozen with fright and can't eat for days!" "It isn't that scary," He points out, and she rolls her eyes, "Yeah right! I'm going to have nightmares about this for years."

"Neither of you have the chance to not be scared or have nightmares, because you're talking through the whole thing," I point out, my voice monotone as I stare at the screen, trying to make out the words over the noise.

Miley shrinks back into the couch, her cheeks flushing red, "Sorry." "Don't be a buzzkill, Annie," Ryan ruffles my hair, and I smack him. "Ow," He whines, rubbing the back of his head. I open my mouth to retort, but my phone starts playing the tune of 'Kill Me' by Fortune of the Raw.

Miley shudders, "How do you listen to death-metal? It's so creepy!" I roll my eyes at her, then answer without checking caller ID.

"Hey," Liam's smooth voice comes from the other end, and I gulp hard. "Oh, Liam... Hi," I'm unsure of what to say to him, especially after I've been ignoring any and every one of his calls and texts.

"Are you ok, Ana?" His tone is filled with concern, and my heart instantly breaks. "Um, yeah. I'm fine! I've just been so busy-" "You visited his grave, didn't you?" I freeze, his words pinging me like ice water.

"Yes," I mutter after a long silence. "And you realized you still love him, didn't you?" "I'm sorry," I whisper, tears filling my eyes. I stand, then make my way to the outside of Ryan's house, the slightly cool night air calming my senses.

"It's ok, Ana. That's natural. You've had a terrible loss, it's alright to hang onto hope, but eventually, you're going to have to let him go." "I know," My voice comes out softly once again, and I can barely hold back my tears.

I can hear his sigh from the other side of the line, "Call me when you do." The line goes dead, and my eyes well up with tears. He hates me. Oh god, he hates me. I have to go back to Cali. Right now. I can take Darren's private jet, then apologize about leaving without telling them later.

I tromp back into the house, determination coursing through my veins. "Ryan!" I call, " I need you to-" I stop, once I see that he and Miley are having an intense make out, reminding me a lot of Jude and Lizzie.