Metamorphasize

Cry Unafraid***

I have nothing left, nothing to give.

I felt loved, as the group of students, some I hardly knew,

Embraced me, offered support, they wanted to inform me that they'd be my backbone when mine breaks.

The room, as I said the words, they forever changed the atmosphere, my fingers felt no longer cold,

What an odd joy, these people, who didn't notice me, when they heard my story,

Rushed to my side, wanted to pick up the pieces of the broken person they saw.

A mess they didn't know about, those closest to me felt the glass of my being underneath them,

Completely unaware of the thing that would hurt them, the things I tried to hide in protection, the things that hurt us all,

Leaving so many scars,

A look of realization and searching crosses his face,

The one friend who made me feel okay when I wasn't,

That friend, I was terrified of losing him,

As we traveled through life,

Middle school; we were distant,

But when he was around I felt a little less than okay, which was a luxury for me at the time.

God, what is wrong with me?

The friend I cared for the most, the one who helped me contain myself without even realizing it.

He made my fake smiles feel real, encouraged me

Even though I felt deaf,

His voice was loud and clear.

The only thing I wanted at that moment was to cry,

Cry unafraid,

And have the friends I needed to tell this truth to, support me.

But, I had to compose myself, too many people were around.

Looking up at that ceiling as I tried to get the words out,

Fighting the sobs that threatened to overwhelm me,

I wanted to just fall,

To land on the ground, the folds of my skirt covering the sound of my quivering voice.

Wanting to shrink away, knowing I couldn't.

To be lost within the fabric;

"No regrets..."

I wish I had none.

I wish I told you guys sooner,

I wish I was smart enough to stop this from happening.

A permanent cloud looms over me,

A black spot has marked your souls.

I'm terrified of the way I made you feel,

You guys didn't sign up for this.

All I can say is, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for all the lies I told you, the things I did to hide the truth.

I didn't want to go down this road, why would someone want to?

I feel dead inside, I know the person I wrote this for will never see,

Never read it.

I may have told you what I went through, but...

.....even though.......they now know.......

I FEEL MORE ALONE AND LOST THAN EVER!!!!!!

You know what is wrong with me, and you are now carrying a portion of the burden I've carried for years.

God, I wish I was an insignificant digit, nothing worth mentioning,

Unnecessary!

I wish I wasn't here for a reason, so it would be easier to convince myself its better if I wasn't.

To believe the lie that I am just a collection of cells that magically became human,

To believe the lies everyone accepts, that this is all by chance!

But I am here, I have a purpose,

You have chosen me for a reason and gave me a purpose God.

I KNOW THIS!!!!