Metamorphasize

Old/New

I am still here...
I am healing,
Recovering from this.

I become disgusted when my thoughts drift back into the darker parts of my heart,
My mind plays it off as a joke,
Or a sick sense of humor...
Its sick, for sure.
I compare myself to who I was,
Can I do that?
Truly compare who I was to who I am?
If I do which way will I go,
Will I strive to become who I was,
Backtracking everything I've been through, all I've become?
Does that make me me again,
Or have I changed too much?
The old me is unrecognizable,
I try to understand my old life,
Awe.
I am truly amazed at how I've lasted as long as I did.
The question is, "Could I have held on any longer?"

A part of me whispers,
Quietly.
But speaks with a iridescent defiance!
"Yes, I could."

If on I had as much faith within myself then...

It sits in the back of my mind,
Sometimes radiating a claustrophobic darkness,
A presence from within the recesses of my once doomed mind.
And sometimes it's not there at all,
But I remain fearful.
Terrified of it sneaking up on me once again,
And being too late to stop it this time.

People say they'll love me until I see a reason to love myself;
Unrequetable love at its finest.

Another sleepless night creeps in,
One more time.
It wont be the last, my eyes hurt, wishing for sleep, and my migraine intensifies as I look at a screen that is on its lowest brightness setting.
It is still too bright for me.

A train comes by.
I love this train,
You never know it's there.
You dont hear it until deep into the night.
It reminds me that others are awake in the world,
As my body continues to ache,
Wishing for a night of sleep.
A night of rest and healing,
Even a night of dreams.
And whenever I dream I face the darkest side of me, it attacks during the moonlit night,
I barely manage to defeat,
To avoid it winning everynight.
And waking up to the real world with euchcexhaustion,
From saving my own.
If I were to allow this to take over me,
I dont know what might happen.
But I will not be around to find out,
I will fight this until I die.
If it takes over my lifeless body than I can only pray for those who remain, While my soul is at peace in heaven.
For those who didnt notice the deaths I've been through to get here.
And those who will love the worst part of me and refuse the best part...
And those who never got to know the real me,
Those who only see the shell of what I've been, and the remains of a story forever untold because a cruel world has silenced me in every way...
Silence,
Will never be my solace.
I am a slave to music and noise.
As much as I am a lover of those things.