Could be a Star

Chapter 21

I did run after Max for a while but I couldn't keep up with him, he's taller than I am and apparently a better runner. At least I followed him enough to realise he was just heading home. I gave up, knowing he would go up to his bedroom and his mum would probably make brownies.

Its been ages since I've been to the beach. I used to come all the time with mum and dad but then we just stopped. I remember making sandcastles and laughing in the sun. I'm not laughing in the sun now, its raining. I wondered down here after I'd given up on following Max and now I'm just stood on a rock staring our to sea and the rain soaks my hair.

I watch the waves crash for a while and let myself think about what happened.

It's not okay, I'm not okay. Did Max get slapped for being a good friend and standing up for me? Did he get slapped just because Alex is homophobic? Did he get slapped because Alex was having a bad day?

It doesn't even matter, I tell myself, because weather I like it or not, my friend Max did get slapped after defending me.

Alex is a douche and all those other words that I don't want to say.

Max is kind and thoughtful and talented.

Remind me, who got slapped?

And Ricky. Its my fault. It's completely my fault. If I hadn't been selfish enough to go off to have fun, he would never have found them.

I'm angry, really angry and I just look out at the waves crashing against the sand and I want to cry, I want to sob but I don't do that because it'll only make me feel worse.

I open my mouth then close it again.

Then I open it again and this time, one note comes out.

And then, without thinking about it I start to sing.

'Hey, hobo man,' its only really a whisper, but singing none the less.

'Hey dapper Dan,' I look around to check nobody's watching.

'You've both got your style, but brother you're never fully dressed without a smile,'

I pause and lift my head up and begin to sing louder.

'Your clothes may be Beau Brummelly, they stand out a mile,' I gulp back the tears 'But brother, you're never fully dressed without a smile,'

I jump off the rock I'm standing on and slowly begin to walk towards the sea.

'Who cares what they're wearing on main street or Saville Row,' I'm properly singing now, right into the sea so only it can hear me.

'It was you wear from ear to ear,' I've reached the sea and I'm standing with the waves crashing against my trainers.

'And not from head to toe,' I blink and the first of the tears rolls down my cheek 'That matters,'

'So, Senator,' I stamp my foot 'So, Janitor,' I stamp the other one

'So long for for a while remember,' I'm almost shouting now, lifting my arms up for the sea, the tears flooding my cheeks 'You're never fully dressed without a smile,'

***

On my raft, I have to cling on for my life. The waves are more violent than they have been before and its darker than ever but I still see Max.

And I still see the sharks and I feel the grip of Max's hand on my arm even though its detached from his body.

I see that they've got him, they've really properly got him and they're bringing him down as he screams and shouts and I do the same, watching from my usually viewing point, completely and utterly hopeless.