An Unexpected Fanfiction: The Hobbit & LOTR One Shots

Where The Bloody Hell Am I?

Type: One shot

Pairing: (Earthling!) Female reader x Kili

Author's Note: This used to be three parts, but I found it to be much too long and shortened it to be only one chapter. Sorry if it's still a little long.

Enjoy!

My bed this morning feels kind of lumpy and cold. And is that... a breeze? Inside my bedroom? I open my eyes and nearly scream. A strange man is standing above me, looking down at my face in concern. "What the-" I scramble away from him and bump into something behind me.

I glance back and gasp at the sight of thirteen other men standing behind me. The one I just bumped into is shorter than the others and frowns worriedly at me. "Are you alright, miss?" he asks politely and I reply sharply, "No, I'm certainly not alright! Where the bloody hell am I?!"

He blinks in surprise and I scramble up to stand, then realize all of these men are a good foot shorter than I am, except one, a tall, grey-cloaked and white-bearded fellow. They are all wearing strange, fantasy-novel-like clothes and carry weapons that look frighteningly real. "Who are you?" I wonder aloud, bracing myself for a fight, but the tall, wizard-y dude raises his hand in a gesture of peace.

"We are the Company of Thorin Oakenshield, on the quest to reclaim the kingdom or Erebor from the dragon Smaug," answers the man and I cross my arms. "Sure... but really, who are you?" 

"I am Gandalf the Grey," patiently replies the wizard and I blink in astonishment. "W-what? No- that's not possible-" I whirl around and stare at the fellows behind me, who I now realize are 13 dwarves and a hobbit. Then I let out a string of curses that would have gotten me grounded for a year and promptly faint.

'                                                   '

It's been a month now. I've come to terms with the insanity of what's happened to me and now am a proud (if not clumsy) member of the Company. Sure, I miss my family a little, but this adventure is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me! The one problem is I can't, for the life of me, fight. I'm hopeless with a sword, I'm awkward and uncoordinated, and can't shoot a target two feet in front of me. Therefore, I am a rather useless part of the Company and it's hard to know I can't help much at all.

We are in Laketown, just about to leave for the Lonely Mountain, and I keep shooting worried glances at Kili. He is injured and I can tell he's hiding how much the wound hurts. Fili can tell too, and when Thorin decides Kili can't join us on the last stretch of our journey, I immediately jump out of the boat and declare, "Then I'm not going either," to which Fili agrees and also stays behind.

I glance away from the boat as it disappears into the distance just in time to see Kili wince in pain and crumple to the ground. I give a small shout of surprise and hurry to his side. "We have to get you help!" I mutter and help him stumble back upright. His face is pale and drawn and my own expression hardens when I see how much pain he is in. Fili helps me more or less carry him back to Bard's house, none of the local people willing to help us. Bard almost refuses as well, but relents when he sees how ill Kili has become.

When Kili starts screaming in pain, that's when I can't handle it any more. I will not be useless, I cannot- Kili's life may depend on it. I know a few healing things from a course I took at school on old medicinal herbs, things that may help, if only I can find the right plants. "Bard! Where can I find Kingsfoil?" I call as I frantically mash together a paste of yarrow and plantain, the only medicinal herbs I could find in the small pantry downstairs. "Kingsfoil? We feed it to the pigs-" I whirl around and snap at him as Kili writhes in pain behind me, "You feed it to the pigs?! Bloody morons!" I hand the bowl of paste to Fili and hurry out the door, calling back, "Quickly! Apply it to the wound, the plantain will ease the stinging for a little while and the yarrow will slow the poison-"

The next few hours are hectic, but soon enough, I am holding Kili's hand as Tauriel chants some sort of healing charm as she holds the Kingsfoil paste to his wound. He will be alright, I tell myself and am surprised at the wave of relief that floods me. No, I take that back- I'm not surprised at all. I think I just may have fallen in love with this handsome dwarf. I gaze into his eyes and am greatly relieved to see they are clearing, no longer cloudy with pain, and I let a small smile escape onto my lips.

Kili's POV:
The agony starts to fade. I just may survive this. But then- who's this, holding my hand. As my vision clears, I see it is Jenna. Jenna, the strange woman who fell from the sky to join our company months ago. The woman who smiles at all she sees to be good, who has a wit sharper than an arrow and a gaze softer than a doe's hide. The woman who now stands beside me, her eyes locked on my own as the pain slowly disappears and her hands grasping my own. She smiles softly, and all I can see is her, surrounded by a haze of light, looking so, so beautiful, and I finally realize that I love her.

Your POV:
Kili falls asleep just as soon as Tauriel has finished casting her healing spell. I turn to her, my hand sliding out of Kili's grasp, and I hug her fiercely. "Thank you, so, so, much for saving him. If there's any way I could ever repay you-" She just smiles and replies, "The pure love I can see in your gaze for him is enough for me." I take a step back and blink in surprise. "W-what do you mean by that?" I ask softly, feeling my cheeks flush pink, but she just keeps smiling knowingly.

I take a step outside after a moment to clear my head. I can see my breath turn to mist in this crisp night air. The town below and around is quiet, the neighbours unaware of the attack from orcs that just occured next door. I gaze up at the moon, half-obscured by clouds and fog. I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn to see Sigrid, Bard's oldest daughter standing behind me, smiling the same knowing smile as Tauriel only a few minutes earlier. "Kili wants to see you," she says and winks teasingly. I blush and chuckle nervously at her antics before heading back indoors.

Kili is still resting on the bed, his eyes half closed and smiling softly at my entrance. I smile shyly back, barely noticing Fili and Tauriel share knowing glances and leave the room, along with Sigrid, to give us some space. "Jenna..." he mumbles and I walk over and sit in the chair by his side. I hold his hand gently as he continues, "You saved me..." I blush a bit deeper and reply, glancing away, "Actually, that was Tauriel. I'm, uh, still pretty useless..."

He frowns and I look away again, embarrassed. "You are not useless, not in the slightest. If you hadn't found that Kingsfoil, I would likely be dead." I pause, realizing he's right, and sigh sadly. He notices, growing more awake, and I feel his gentle hand turn my chin back to face him. My eyes stay closed and I hold back foolish tears. "Jenna, what's wrong? Please, tell me," he pleads quietly and a single tear escapes my closed eye. Instantly, I can feel his arms wrapping around me as he struggles to sit up. I lean away in fear that I'll let words of my feelings slip through my gritted teeth, but he just holds me closer.

"K-Kili, please, let me go-"

"No. Never."

I open my eyes and see him smiling teasingly, but in his gaze all I can see is, unmistakably, love. "Really, what is it-" Then, all of a sudden, my lips are against his. I'm kissing him and he's kissing back and I'm slightly in shock that I had the nerve to lean in. When we break apart, his smile stretches nearly ear to ear and I'm sure my own grin matches his. "I-" 

"I love you," Kili interrupts with what I was about to say. I chuckle and rest my forehead against his. "You didn't let me finish," I tease and he replies, "Go on," with a soft smile.

"I love you," I say, the words clear and straight from my heart. It's so true that just saying the words makes me blush and my heart warm with love. He smiles and we both close our eyes, foreheads still resting against each other's and enjoying the company of the one we truly, deeply love.