The Misfits

Cuts and Therapy | Estelle

Meh I'm writing another Estelle chapter. SORRY! Thanks for the reads and this chapter is dedicated to... *drum roll* @lovelyandloud for being such an amazing fan!!! :)

You guys rock, thank you for reading!

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WARNING: This chapter includes eating disorders, cutting, and other things such as that. It's slightly gory.

NOTE: THIS IS NOT DEDICATED TO LOVELYANDLOUD BECAUSE OF WHAT THE CHAPTER TALKS ABOUT!!!!!!!!! I'm only dedicating it to her because she's an AMAZING fan and I'm eternally grateful for her! :)

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The only people in the world that matter to me are my mom, Jake, and Halden and I've already lost two of those people. Two of those people hate me now and it kills me inside to know that. I wish that I could tell Halden he mattered more to me than Jake does again.

But I can't say that. I can never say that. I love Jake and Halden equally and I'd never be able to pick a favorite. Yet lately I'm starting to wonder if I actually do like either of them as more than a friend. I guess that love-y relationships aren't really my thing, none of them work out.

After my break up with Halden I've been eating a lot instead of eating nothing and I think that's what lead me to eating nothing. It has been a month since our break up and it's now in the middle of November, it's starting to get colder around here.

It was on a Saturday that I decided to sneak into my mom's room to check my weight, she normally doesn't let me do this. She's always said that weight is a number on a scale and what really matters is the amount of happiness in your heart. But in the mirror I saw that my stomach goes out a little further and my face is a little rounder.

I had gained ten pounds since last month. I felt disgusting, overweight, ugly, and like I was going to throw up. And that's exactly what I did, except it was more by force. I went into my bathroom and shoved my fingers to the back of my throat and threw up as much as I could into the toilet.

My mom ran in and I quickly withdrew my fingers and wiped them off on my sweats. Mom rubbed my back and started running the bath water. "I can't believe that you threw up." She told me while I sat on the floor, leaning my head against the wall and trying not to cry.

"You haven't thrown up in such a long time. But whenever you did, a warm bath always helped you." Mom smiled over at me and I knew that I had to be strong for her sake. She's been having a hard time and it would be selfish to disappear on her now.

Mom went out of the bathroom and I laid in the bath, closing my eyes and taking in deep, steady breaths. I'd just have to be a little bit healthier. Eat less, eat healthy, and get at least one hour of exercise in everyday.

After my bath, I went into my room and grabbed a notebook out from my bookshelf. I wrote down my goal weight, the things I could eat, what type of exercise to do everyday, and other stuff like that. When I finished, I looked down at it proudly and hung it up on my wall.

I started loosing as much weight as possible that day. I went to the gym and did treadmill, lifted weights, got on an elliptical. I was there for two hours which was much longer than I planned but I was pretty proud of myself. I skipped dinner that night and went straight to bed.

But I couldn't sleep because visions of Halden screaming at me were tattooed behind my eyelids and his voice kept echoing inside of my head. I covered my ears and squeezed my eyes shut, willing it all to go away. Only after it did go away did I realize that I was crying.

It was really late already and mom was in bed so I sneaked out of my room and downstairs into the kitchen where I slid a knife out of our drawer and went back into the bathroom. I closed the door and locked it then hopped into the bathtub, it would be easier to clean from there.