“I can’t believe you leave tomorrow,” Ashton said as he held my hand at the restaurant. We’d decided that my last night should be spent with him as he kept complaining that he hadn’t spent any time with me for ages.
“I know,” I sighed. I was pretty much ready for it, I had packed everything ready to go and charged everything up for the flight and stuff.
“Nice meal, right?” he said, taking another mouthful of his spaghetti, so I did the same with a nod, making him laugh a little. I wanted to lean over and kiss him but I didn’t because it might’ve seemed weird. We’d been talking for a long time about me leaving and I wanted to shut him up to be honest.
“I’m done,” I said, putting the knife and fork down on the plate and leaning back in my chair.
“Me too,” he said.
Ashton paid the bill, much to my protests, and we walked out of the restaurant hand in hand to walk home.
He walked me up to the door and kissed me swiftly.
“Do you want to come in for a bit?” I asked, opening the door and he followed me inside without a word. I closed the door and stood there, not really knowing what to do, but then he leaned towards me again and kissed me, this time it was longer and he didn’t pull away immediately. He pulled me closer to him, in a half hug as I tilted my head to deepen the kiss. I was glad that he wasn’t pulling away, and I kind of liked it actually.
“Upstairs?” he mumbled, taking me by surprise. I nodded quickly and he carried me bridal style upstairs, me giggling the whole time. He placed me on the bed where he connected our lips again, and I just got lost in our nice, peaceful, own little bubble.
“Ash,” I said quietly, and then I kissed him harder, like I had with Michael. Ashton was taken by surprise, but he attempted to kiss me back, pulling me close to him, “Ash, what do you want to do?”
He ignored my question and pulled my t-shirt over my head, making me gasp that he was actually doing this.
“Do you... do you want to-” he stuttered, but I answered him by pulling his shirt half over his head, and he managed to pull it over his head and throw it to the floor. I could barely believe this was actually happening. We were actually going to do this. I felt a little bad for partially using Ash to get over how I’d felt with Michael, trying to push those thoughts and feelings down, but he was my boyfriend so it was okay.
I smirked when I left kisses down his neck because Ashton was so surprise that I had that in me, but he didn’t stop me, he just gripped my arm a little tighter. It was like the roles had been reversed; suddenly I had all the control and knew what I was doing.
By the time his hands reached my underwear, I was starting to have doubts. Did I actually want this?
“A-Ashton are you sure you want to do this?” I mumbled, half hoping he’d say no, but he nodded and kissed me again. I took a deep breath and took off my underwear, Ashton doing the same. I closed my eyes as he got the condom out of his pocket, and I felt like I wanted to cry.
Nope I can’t do this.
“Hanna, what’s wrong?” he said quietly.
“Nothing,” I lied, looking away from him as he pulled me towards him again, kissing me once more. I kissed him back, trying to ignore the lump I felt in my throat. I had to do it. I fell backwards on the bed, running my finger up and down his arm, trying to stall as much as I could and-
“Ashton I can’t. I can’t do this I’m sorry,” I blurted loudly, choking on my words as they tumbled from my mouth and the tears stung in my eyes.
“Wh-why?” he stuttered, “we don’t have to, it’s fine, Hanna.”
“I-I’m not ready,” I lied. I can’t have sex with two guys, “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s fine, honestly,” he said firmly, “Hanna, it’s fine.” He said again as the tears persistently fell from my eyes. I got up, put my underwear and clothes on and stood by the door hesitantly.
“I’m sorry,” I said again.
“Hanna, where are you going?” he asked worriedly.
“I just need some space, and air... I need air,” I stuttered.
I left the house, not even realising where I was going until I had knocked on Michael, Calum and Luke’s door.
When Michael opened the door, I stood there in silence, the tears not falling any more just staining my cheeks, not knowing why I'd come here.
"Hanna-Rose, what are you doing here?" He asked.
"I don't... I don't know..." I said honestly.
