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9/21

I finished taking more assessments today. 

When it came to my math period, the teacher always says who got 100. 

Sadly, when I got a 100 the last unit test, she didn't mention anything. 

She always ignores me when I'm right there. 

It's like I'm not smart enough to even talk to her. 

I feel so worthless at math. 

On that topic, the guy I liked got 100 and one of my friends got 100. 

I always want to impress him because he's my crush.

He's the type of guy who only befriends people and talks to them if they're assets. 

Sounds harsh, but it's true. 

My friends ask me why I like him, but I just do...

He was different in elementary school, and he used to talk to me a lot. 

And then the conversation was so strained, and then we stopped talking altogether. 

Back to the point, he was like, "__________(Name of friend), interesting" 

And I just wanted to curl up in a hole, and just disappear. 

Why couldn't I get 100? Why couldn't my name be called? Would he have even made an expression if my name was called?

When I got home, I called my dad since he works on the east coast. 

Somehow we got onto the topic of Math class next year, and what math I'd be taking. 

My older brother is taking AP Calculus AB, and I'm supposed to take it next year. 

My mom was like, "Do you want to know what your dad said? He said that you shouldn't take that class next year because you wouldn't be able to even get a C in the class." 

Do you know how much that hurt? 

I mean, I know I'm bad at math, but 1) I'm trying my best (which apparently is never good enough), and 2) I still have an A right now in my current Honors math class. 

And I was like, "Seriously?"

You have no idea. I'm already super self-conscious in math because I know I'm bad at it.

And here he is just undermining me even more. My mom too. 

Why does no one believe in me? 

Do I really seem that stupid to people? 

Do I seem like I brush my problems off easily? 

I don't know whether to take that as a compliment or not. 

Compliment: I hide my problems easily. 

Not a Compliment: They think I don't care at all. 

I do care. I care a lot. I care so much that my heart is going to die, and I feel worthless all the time. 

And then they scold me for caring to much, and that I shouldn't dwell on it. 

So someone, please tell me what I AM supposed to do, because I'm so confused. 

I want to do it right...

So someone..tell me, please. 

Before it's too late. 

~Day 8: End~