Angel Eyed (DISCONTINUED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE)

twenty one

“This is all my fault then.” I hitched, sucking up the air around me to make up for the suffocation, but it wasn't enough. “I am the reason why they lost.”

“Cassandra, please.” He insists, “You have no control over that. And besides, that was almost a year ago. You've moved on, haven't you? It's time for him to move on as well. I’m going to talk to him later and clear this up. He can’t just keep on bothering you like this.”

Maybe that wasn't the best idea. This is Bill and mine’s mess, or moreover if I'm being specific; my mess. I’ve already done enough damage more than I’m capable if handling, I should not drag his father into this. For all I know he's been through the worst as well for the past year, I’m lucky he’s not angry enough to scream at me like how Bill did, otherwise I would still be sobbing my throat at the library. “No, Eric, you don’t have to do that. I’ll go talk to him.” I sniffled, shamelessly rubbing my nose as I prematurely envision what such a scenario would look like. Do I even have that huge amount of courage to still force myself to him even though he already clearly rejected me earlier?

If his eyes were looking at me earlier with such fury, would confronting him again later on be any different? I don’t remember wishing for anything like this back at Stella’s place, and right then and there I was back to yesterday; a massive clusterfuck. Just when I thought she had done enough damage to me last night with all the pain and humiliation, she just has to pull another one of these to me. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I just want this to end, and the only way I can think of other than facing the consequences of my stupidity is going back home to retrieve my phone from my bag and dial the number Stella has given me. And it’s not like I can go home either. Angel is going to be different again and I’m going to be too emotionally fucked to deal with it in a healthy way.

At the moment my choices are scarce.

“Are you sure?” Eric asks.

“Yeah.” I straightened my posture, tugging on the hem of my shirt as an awful excuse to fix it. I mean what can go wrong, right? I've already humiliated him in front of everyone and rejected his feelings in a bad way and ignored him like what Eric said; I can’t possibly fuck that up even more.

“If you're just doing this to make him feel better, you don’t have to. I'm telling you, Cassandra, Bill won’t be soft.”

“I have to, Eric. This is the least I can do.” I insist, although I didn't really know how I’m supposed to do it, where I'll start and when it’ll end. I have not weighed down the possibilities of Bill walking away again from me. Nonetheless, all I know is it's the right thing to do.

Eric sighs, leaning his back down against the chair. “Well do whatever makes you feel better.” He says, putting his hair net back onto the graying strands of his hair. “If you don’t mind, I have to go back to work.”

The thought of being alone again brought a sickening feeling in my stomach as I watch him stand up. I cannot possibly go back to the library and resume contemplating misery and remenicing about my childhood. I have a plan now; a plan that I have blindly stepped into but it was still a plan. Better than having none at all. I could always go to my classes as a distraction, after all I did promise Mr. Styles I’d see him in class earlier before he left me, however I don’t really know how that will turn out. I would rather stay in the library than suppress my feelings all day around people who can barely give a fuck. And my grades are already a mess, I don't want to mess it up even further.

“I’ll help you.” I stood up along with him, properly pushing the seat back under the table.

“Don’t you have classes?”

“I do, I just-” I sucked in a breath, “I don't think I'll be able to focus right now.”

“Well suit yourself! I do need all the help I can get. The other workers are signing off early today.” he states, fixing the creases of his clothes.