Angel Eyed (DISCONTINUED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE)

twenty two

He finally brought up with furrowed eyebrows, crossing his arms above his chest. The pronoun collided with my chest stronger than it should have, his alienating remark stinging me on the inside.

She.

He can't even say my name directly.

“Oh yeah . . Cassandra helped me earlier at the cafeteria. Remember when I told you all the workers were trying to leave early lately? If it wasn't for her, I would've taken longer.”

“Yeah, but what is she doing here?” He questioned again and I tear my eyes away from him, frantically focusing it into the tv behind him, my feet swelling from my own weight.

“I just told you, she helped me at the cafeteria.”

“We’re not in the cafeteria anymore, are we?” He narrowed his eyes, muttering through gritted teeth, the beating of my heart going through my ears.

I was certainly wrong when I thought this would be easy. None of this would be easy and I might have stepped on the wrong path, in the wrong mind, in the wrong time. It was still foreign to my ears to hear him speak with venom everytime he even mentions my name. It was always like, “Cass, I'll help you with your tests.” “Cass, I found books you can read.” and “Cass, let’s hangout, I miss your guts.” Perhaps I'll never get used to it. But what was I expecting anyway? The Cassandra he knew broke his heart and his entirety, now that I’ve thought about it, I wasn't any different. As far as I could remember, we never really resolved anything the moment I stepped on the bus a week ago. I just left him there and never talked to him again.

I was tired overthinking, after all I just had a full on mental breakdown in the library, but he certainly couldn't care less. If he was the Bill I've known for a year, he would. But he wasn't, and he shouldn't. I didn't have the right for such a privilege. Everything in me wanted to break there and then, the only thing keeping me together was the last hope that I could stay steady in my feet and not simultaneously pass out in front of him.

As if that wasn’t enough, Eric walked into the kitchen, abandoning me completely with Bill. “Bill, for the love of god, I'm not having that right now, we're having dinner. And she's having dinner with us.” He scolds, his voice muffled form the next room.

Bill rolled his eyes away from me, a bump forming on his cheek as he shifted from his position. He spontaneously pulls the bag from my grasp, a gasp emitting from my mouth as I realize what he was doing. I look up at him in confusion, meeting his pupils again. “Give it.” He uttered, and I let go, heat rising to my cheeks.

I swallowed the lump forming at the back of my throat, watching him walk out of my sight and into the kitchen as well. I catch the tears trickling down my cheek before anyone notices, rubbing my sleeve onto my chin for warmth as chills run down my skin from the low temperature of their home. How am I even supposed to fix this? In the years that I have professionalized problem solving because of my mother forcing me to it, I couldn't find a single solution which didn’t involve any of us getting hurt and I was getting closer to the edge of the cliff. It was either me or him. I could never fix this, even in my dreams. The damage I've done to him is bigger than I have initially thought. I could just imagine the pain of watching his best friend reject him in front of everyone else. She could've just been nice, she could've just pulled him into a corner and talked him out of it in a gentle manner, she could've just accepted his feelings.

He doesn't deserve this, how evil is she to hurt him? How evil am I to deprive him the feeling of being loved? I did the same thing. I’m a fucking hypocrite.

Oh god I'm losing it. If Angel was here she would've already hit me in the head and told me to get it together. I cant get it together. I was stuck in this paradox and the only solutions were the phone laying somewhere in my forgotten cousin's apartment, or me attempting to fix this.