Lunar's Eclipse || Wattys 2019

Five: For Good.

As Nathan drives me to my dorm, I can't help but run my fingers over my lip. They are even more pink and swollen and I bite at them.

"Will you please stop?" Nathan asks and I shut his car mirror.

"Sorry, I just... I've never felt anything like that." I say and turn to realise he is observing me.

"I shouldn't have done that. Dammit, I shouldn't have kissed you." He says, clenching the steering wheel and focused on the road.

"I'm sorry, I made you do it."

"Its not your fault, you're going through a lot right now. I should have been responsible and resisted--"

"Its my  fault, Nathan. You took care of me in a way I didn't know I could be cared for."
I smile at the memories.

"I had a hot bath, slept, and... And I took advantage of that. But know I'm really grateful." I say and turn to him.
He has his eyes on the road but he softly squeezes my hand and let's go almost immediately.

We drive in silence for  while but my thoughts keep going back to when he kissed me.
How he held me close.
Passionate yet gentle.
Desire and care.

"Lunar."

"What?" I snap out of it and look at him.
"Sorry, I..I was thinking of something else." I say.

"I said I'm sorry about the way Lucas left your purse and phone just abandoned outside his apartment." He says and I know he's staring at me.

Of course.
Lucas left my things out for any lucky thief after throwing me out.
And hitting me.
And having sex with a complete stranger.

How did I keep letting him back into my life after all the times I found panties in his room.
After all the bruises and black eye he gave me.

And that time he practically tried to rape me when he came back drunk from a party.

Oh God.

I sigh now and cover my face with my hands.
I tolerated this for years and kept giving him the benefit of a doubt.

Because I felt I needed him. He was all I knew.
And he convinced me I couldn't change that. That I couldn't find someone else.

But Tess has been right all this time.
I didn't have to find someone new.
I just needed to let go of someone bad.

By the time I look up, we're at my dorm now.

Nathan parks and looks at me.

"So, here we are." He says.

"Yeah...once again." I say and our eyes meet.

"Listen, Nathan. I...I didn't mean to force...the kiss."

"You didn't."

"But I started it. I just acted in the moment because I've never felt that kind of feeling...and I suddenly had the courage-"

Nathan holds my hand now.

"I understand. I'm not mad that we kissed...I'm just mad that I wanted to kiss you. I mean, you went through so much yesterday. And I just gave into the impulse when I should have only been helping you."

I smile at him.
"You did help me. So much."

"I just want you to realise what care truly is. And love isn't familiarity and comfort. Its happiness." He says and I'm in awe of what I'm hearing.

Months or weeks ago Nathan and I wouldn't say more than Hellos to each other.

"Thanks." I say and reach for my purse but Nathan stops my hand.