The Sacrifices of Fame

Chapter Eighteen

Have you ever been sad without a legitimate reason to be sad? If not, you're lucky. If you know exactly what I'm talking about, I'm sorry. I've been feeling like complete and utter shit lately and I don't know why. Like I was fine but then everything in France happened and I've been fucked up ever since. Ruby has started to notice, but I just tell her I'm tired. Which isn't a complete lie, all I want to do is lay in bed but somehow I've been forcing myself to get up. I feel someone touch my arm, it's Ruby I guess I zoned out again. I've been inside of my head a lot.

"Hey, you kind of spaced out."

"Oh, I'm sorry I didn't get enough sleep last night."

"I know, you were still up when I fell asleep."

I stayed over at Ruby's place last night, I've been spending most of my time here with her. Dad has been really busy with soccer so we don't see each other much. Ruby takes my hand and I move closer to her. She wraps her arms around me and kisses my neck.

"Love, you know that if you ever need me I'm here and you can talk to me about anything." Ruby mumbles.

I shift so my face is in the crook of Ruby's neck.

"I know, it's just a lot of the stuff in my head should just stay in my head."

"Don't bottle things up, you're going to explode."

"No I won't, everything is okay. Even if I'm not okay I'm going to continue to tell myself that I am. Maybe if I say I'm okay enough, I will be."

Ruby pulls away from the hug and takes my face in her hands. She looks into my eyes and I can tell by the look on her face she's worried.

"Its okay to not be okay but it's not okay to not be okay all the time."

I move away from Ruby and go to the bathroom, I can't have this conversation anymore. Ruby knows how to get me to talk even when I don't want to. She can read me like an open book and I don't know how. What I do know is, I'm not ready for this book to be read yet. I don't have all the answers to how it's going to end. While I'm in the bathroom I calm myself down before going back into the living room.

"Servando called, he wants you to come home it sounded important."

I don't respond to Ruby, I just nod my head. I don't trust myself to not break down. I go to the bedroom and grab a pair of Ruby's sweatpants, they're more comfortable than the skinny jeans I came here in. I look in her closet and find one of my soccer jerseys, I leave it and grab one of her basketball jerseys.

"I think I can get use to you wearing my clothes."

I jump a little, I didn't know Ruby was in the room. She wraps her arms around my waist from behind me and puts her chin on my shoulder.

"Do you want to get food before I take you home?"

"Nah, I'll eat something when I get home."

We leave Ruby's apartment and get in her black matte four door Jeep. I don't know why but Jeeps have always been one of my favourite cars. Ruby's place is about twenty minutes from mine, on a good day. However, there is construction going on and a few roads are blocked off. Lovely.

"So are you going to tell me what's been going on or are you going to just tell me you're fine?"

I sigh and Ruby turns the music down.

"I can't tell you."

"You can't tell me, or you won't tell me?"

"Stay out of my head!"

"I would and you know I usually don't push you when you don't want to talk. But Lauren, when I look into your eyes I see pain and sadness. You've been sleeping a lot lately and you never want to do the things you use to."

"I know, I just I don't know."

"Maybe we can find you someone to talk to and before you say you don't need a therapist, they can be very helpful. I'm just really worried."

"Okay."

The rest of the forty five minuet drive is silent, and not the comfortable kind. We finally pull up in front of my house and I notice a car in the driveway, must be one of Dad's friends. I get out of the car and unlock the front door.

"Lauren, is that you?"

"Yeah Dad, it's me."

"Please come in the living room."

I scrunch my eyebrows and take Ruby's hand, something is not right. We walk in to the living room and I see the last person I want to see. I look at Dad and he has a scared look on his face. She has some nerve coming here after everything that's happened. I scoff and turn around to leave but feel someone grab my wrist.

"Lauren wait!"

"Oh you mean like how you waited when I asked you to work things out? Or like when I waited for you to respond to my messages? You have a lot of nerve coming here Mallory!"

Mal let's go of my wrist and takes a step back.

"What's she doing here?"

"That's none of your business. It's over, we're done. You made sure of that."

"Lauren, please. Let's just talk about this."

"I don't want to talk! I tried to talk to you, I waited weeks just to hear your voice!" I take a deep breath and calm myself down. "Please Mal, you didn't just break my heart. You broke me too."

Mal wipes the tears from her face and takes a deep breath. I want to do nothing more than to wrap my arms around her, and say everything is okay.

"I'll be here for a week before I leave to go back to DC. If you want to talk, you have my number."

Mal kisses my cheek before letting herself out. I feel a tear fall down my face, I wipe it away before Dad or Ruby sees it. I look at Dad and before he can say anything I go upstairs to my room. I hear footsteps behind me, I know their Ruby's. Dad is never good when it comes to things like this. I sit on my bed and just look at the floor, I take a deep breath before looking up at Ruby.

"You're right I'm not okay, I'm not okay and I don't know why. I've never felt this way before, I just want to..."

"You want to what Lauren?"

"die."